Original Snub, Version #3

A few nights before the wedding of Thetis to Peleus, doe-eyed Aphrodite, the goddess of love and beauty, threw a bachelorette party for the beautiful bride in her temple on Mount Olympus. Amidst the pink silken curtains and plump pillows sat every goddess in creation, save one; Eris, called Strife, for she was a known shit disturber of the highest order.

As Artemis stepped into the room, Aphrodite stood and called out: “Alright my sisters, we are all here . . . let the merrymaking begin! Let down your hair, light the incense. Spill the wine, take that pearl! Let the presents be exchanged.”

White-armed Hera stood and said, “Let Thetis, daughter of Poseidon, open my gift first for I am the wife of Aegis-bearing Zeus.”

There was some grumblings amongst the women, but Hera’s attitude was expected. Thetis took Hera’s gift and opened it, revealing an elaborate girdle with lewd etchings depicted on the front and back. All the goddesses giggled loudly, save Pallas Athene, who smiled politely but thought herself above such bawdiness. She stood next, and called out, “Thetis, as the virgin goddess I would take this opportunity to promote abstinence to you, by giving you the gift of a chastity belt – wear it in good conscience!

Athena held the chastity belt high in the air, and then lowered it down to Thetis, who gazed upon it as if holding cow dung in her hand. Aphrodite also glowered at it. “Couldn’t you at least have wrapped it?” she asked.

Athena stared coldly at her sister, then took her seat again.

“Alright,” Aphrodite said, with a sigh. “Who’s next?”

I AM. called out a loud, raucous voice. All the heads turned to see Eris, goddess of Chaos, Confusion, Comedy and public transit ads. I HAVE A GIFT FOR THE BRIDE.

“Eris!” Aphrodite cried. “You were not invited! I did not invite you, you hag! This was invitation only! I will not have you wrecking this party like you’ve wrecked all the others!”

DARLING APHRODITE, I HAVE NO INTENTION OF STAYING WHERE MY PRESENCE IS NOT DESIRED, I WILL LEAVE THE MOMENT I HAVE GIVEN MY WEDDING GIFT TO THE LOVELY THETIS. I WOULDN’T DREAM OF FLOODING THIS PARTY, LIKE THE LAST.

Aphrodite said, through clenched teeth: “Dropping my temple into the Aegean Sea is NOT flooding!”

THE BASS ON THAT SOUND SYSTEM WAS MUCH MORE POWERFUL THAN HEPHAESTUS INSINUATED, MY BAD. AT ANY RATE, THE PAST IS DONE WITH, MY DEAR THETIS, TAKE THIS GIFT . . . IF I KNOW PELEUS, YOU WILL NEED IT SOONER, RATHER THAN LATER. USE IT, AS THE OL’ STICK-IN-THE-MUD WOULD SAY, IN GOOD CONSCIENCE.

Eris dropped a large gift to the floor, and turned on her heel and strode from the room. All the goddesses gasped in unison, and gaped at the gift on the floor.

Resting on the marble tile was a gargantuan, elaborate solid gold dildo, hideously detailed and overly realistic. The head of the dildo was enormous, and shaped rather apple like. Emblazoned down the shaft were the words: FOR THE HORNIEST.

Thetis picked the dildo up with two fingers, looked it over, and said: “What did she mean ‘if she knew Peleus’ . . .?” but before she could conclude her thought the dildo was smacked from her hand by Aphrodite, whose cheeks were flushed.

“Wha-?” cried Thetis, in shock.

“Hands of that prick, bitch.” Aphrodite heaved. “Didn’t you read the thing? It says ‘to the horniest’ – and that, sister, is moi. MOI!”

She snatched the dildo up, intending to excuse herself temporarily, and hand to party’s reigns over to Hera, when a spear stabbed her in the wrist, knocking the enormous phallus to the ground again. Aphrodite squealed out in pain as she saw white blood spurt from the wound.

“Stay where you are, trollop.” Pallas Athene said loudly, and placed a foot on the dildo. “I’m as horny as a ten peckered owl, and I will be using this Pan-like appendage with all speed. I am certainly the horniest of all of you.”

Demeter stood. “Athena? You? You think you’re going to use that glorious golden dildo?”

Athena laughed once, cold and brittle. “Hon, while I have this thing the crack of dawn won’t even be safe.”

Demeter stood forward, and grasped the apple-like head. “That’s not,” she said. “what I meant.”

Athena caught Demeter’s hand as it moved toward her head and held it tight, but Hera got her across the jaw at almost the same moment. Persephone held her around the waist, and Aphrodite bit into her thigh.

In the midst of the melee, the dildo rolled out of the room, and was picked up by the hand of a goddess who laughed loud and long as she floated up into the sky.

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