Archive for June, 2006

Hail, Or No Hail?

June 30, 2006

Yesterday, in the middle of the afternoon, a magnificent thunderstorm erupted; tubs of water dumped from the skies so hard it was difficult to see more than twenty or thirty feet with any accuracy. My co-workers and I gathered around the front window to stare at the falling water, as often happens with extremely violent rain: it still humbles the domesticated apes.

While the rain pelted down, I noticed pea-sized chunks of hail
bouncing around on the concrete, each melting soon after hitting the
ground. It was approximately 23ºC at the time.

Now, the POINT:

A few minutes afterwards, one of my co-workers said that it actually
had called for rain in the afternoon, but not for thunderstorms. I
asked “Did it call for HAIL?” – the two co-workers looked around at
me as if I had just asked if Bugs Bunny is God (which, of course, he
is), and one said “It wasn’t hailing.” and the other said “It’s too
warm for hail.”

I didn’t bother citing references of not only hail falling from the
sky in warm weather, but also fish, frogs, snails and blood. Pearls
before swine.

So, here we have two different reality tunnels. One, in which hail
doesn’t fall from the sky in warm weather, and one in which a lot of
crazy things can, and often do, happen.

Hail doesn’t fall in the summer in the world of my two co-workers, so
they didn’t see the hail; Hail, amongst other things, can fall from
the sky in warm weather in my world, and did.

Q: Did the hail fall?

A: Does a chicken have a pecker?

HAIL Eris!

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

June 29, 2006

Get Well Soon, Bob

June 26, 2006

Official Illuminati Correspondence

June 25, 2006

FROM: Ramses Colossus,
Quinti-Primi Illuminati, Hermes Trismegistus Cabal

TO: Baron von Hoopla, KSC
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Kaufman Kabal

Dear BVH,

In response to your querie, may I just say that you grant us altogether too much credit. We haven’t had a single thing to do with the direction of world affairs since before WWI . . . Surely you realize who now runs North America, I’ve guessed as much from reading your log: Oprah Winfrey. She has been running everything since she took over from Phil Donahue when he achieved transendental illumination and became the Alchemical Hermaphrodite, his vocation was perfect for the invocation . . . Hermes the messenger, mixed with Aphrodite the goddess of femininity.

And, regarding Oprah’s qualifications for leadership, need I say more than:

O=800 P=80 R=100 A=1 H=5 =986 9+8+6=23 = 5

Spooky, no?

Anyhoo, World politics have become so tedious after time; we now prefer to amuse ourselves in smaller, more humorous ways, such as:

We have coded the 64 aspects of the human psyche into the Mr. Men children’s books series. As children read through the series they will intuitively learn to realize that the human psyche is not a continuous stream of consciousness, but instead vastly different facets of a wider hallway of reality. These 64 aspects coincide, of course, with the more broad and esoteric aspects of Leary’s 8-Circuit model, the 64 hexagrams of the I-Ching, and naturally the 64 squares of the chess board.

Hiding the 5 Elements of Nature in the television series the Facts of Life: Fire being represented by fiery Joe Polniaczek,the creative and wiley leader; Water represented by Blair Warner, the opposite of Joe, the Venus love goddess type; Air being represented by loudmouth Tootie Ramsey, the gossip; Earth being represented, naturally by Natalie Green, the pragmatic, down to earth smartass. The Fifth Quint-Essence is represented by Mrs. Edna Garrett who brings all the 4 qualities of the girls into logical union. She is the final outcome.

Another project -which has been transpiring over the past three decades- has been the publishing of books completely blank. It began slowly at first, with blank books on accounting and quilting, but in the last two decades we have moved on to works of literature; James Joyce’s Ulysses has been printed blank since 1995, and Thomas Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow has been printed blank since 1982 – nobody has noticed yet. We had several plans set up for when books were returned angrily by the public demanding explanation, but up until the present time has never become an issue. Other blank books are The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood; Beautiful Losers, by Leonard Cohen; The Golden Bough, by Sir James George Frazer and Star: A Novel, by Pamela Anderson.

Another minor ongoing project (strictly my own) has been the development of the Simpson sisters, Jessica and Ashlee. It’s been an amusing ride, since in the beginning Jessica was intended as a straight-out clone of the formerly wildly popular Britney Spears, but has since eclipsed Brit, and is now a fully functional Illuminati puppet. That’s not the interesting part, though, since most celebrities are Illuminati puppets . . . the truly fantastic part is that in the last few months I have been slowly turning the two sisters into one person. If they seem confused by the questions about their plastic surgery in the media recently, there is a perfectly good explanation: THEY DON’T KNOW ABOUT IT! Stay tuned, it’s only going to get better . . . wait until they release the same single on the same day!

Anyway, I’ve blabbed on to you enough . . . tell me, do you still have that wonderful Mayor Mel you set up as leader in Hogtown? I can’t believe people actually bought him as a serious candidate, let alone actual winner – that almost beats old “W” down here . . . Keep Laughing!


The Secret Of The Number 23

June 23, 2006

The secret of the number 23 is:

-the secret of science

-the secret of magick

-the secret of the Law of Fives

-the secret of tarot

-the secret of bible interpretation

-the secret of film interpretation

-the secret of art interpretation

-the secret of art

-the secret of rorschach tests

-the secret of metaprogramming

-the secret of body dismorphia

-the secret of consciousness

-the secret of bigotry

-the secret of Finnegans Wake

-the secret of poetry

-the secret of palmistry

-the secret of optimism

-the secret of history interpretation

-the secret of music appreciation

-the secret of beauty

-the secret of hermeticism

-the secret of sadness

-the secret of happiness

A Summery Of Last Night In Thirteen Words*

June 22, 2006

Naked Man
Discarded Gaunch

*Is there hidden symbolism in the choice of the number 13? Yes,
there is.

2006 Bilderberg Group Meeting

June 21, 2006

It has come to my attention that the Bilderberg Group met earlier this month, and AGAIN my invitation must have been lost in the mail. To add insult to injury the conference was held in Ottawa Ontario, at the Brookstreet Hotel

Loyal readers know that the Baron is not one to spread malicious gossip, but he has it on good authority that residents of the hotel were paid off to leave around 5:30 in the morning the day of the conference, which leads one to believe that the conference was either hastily assembled in said location, or the actual employees of the hotel themselves are unaware one of these meetings is going to take place until the actual day of. Of the two possibilities I find the second more likely.

It’s a shame, really, that they again chose not to include me in their meetings about running the world, squashing the poor and promoting the career of the Simpson sisters, I had so many plans ready to contribute; Over population? There’s thousands of miles of open land inside the hollow earth just waiting to be ripped apart, paved and turned into multilevel parking lots . . . feed the poor? no problem, strip the west coast forests, hunt down the sasquatches and make “bilderburger helper”. In regards to the space race, we should be hunting down the people of Mu (or Lemuria, if you prefer) since they are obviously more advanced in space travel than we are, having been in contact with the Dog People of Sirius for thousands of years . . . I could go on and on . . . those chumps are missing out

For more information on the Bilderberg Group, click here.

Zappa Plays Zappa, Toronto, June 16 2006

June 20, 2006

Great Googly Moogly – what a show!

Being 30 I had never had the pleasure of being anywhere close to Zappa music being played in public before, so Friday night was basically a heavenly vision Hassan-i-Sabbah could have concocted for me to compell me to join his assassins – and it would have worked.

The show started with a half-hour film of the Roxy lineup of the Mothers (my favourite lineup) doing their thing, which whipped the crowd into a frenzy, Ruth Underwood in particular got a big reaction everytime she was presented on the screen, as was Napoleon Murphy Brock, who we found out would not be able to attend our performance; it was very dissapointing initially, but the band was so fantastic and tight you would never know you were missing any element if you hadn’t been told. What amazed me was how young the band was for the most part – none of them looked older than me, except Dweezil slightly, and obviously Steve Vai and Terry Bozzio . . . actually to tell you the truth, from where I sat Steve and Terry looked pretty fucking good too.

Anyway, the show . . . it was amazing. The technical prowess the musicians have was beyond shocking. There were several times that I could have closed my eyes and pretended it was the genuine Mothers circa 1974 . . . Dweezil informed us early on that since Napoleon was absent we would be treated to a completely different show than had been performed on the rest of the tour – I don’t know if that is actually true, but it certainly felt like it. A jaunty version of King Kong surprised me early on, and the whip-cracking rendition of Inca Roads later brought down the house, as did Terry Bozzio on absolutely everything he did, the man must be plugged into a power source when off stage.

The only part where I was distracted enough to wonder why a song was missed was when they leap-frogged Nanook Rubs it when they played Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow and then went straight on to St. Alphonso’s Pancake Breakfast – one wonders if it was considered too delicate for Canadian Seal Smashers?

Before I finish up, I would like give special kudos to Sheila Gonzalez for performing lead vocals as well as playing sax and flute, and also to Joe Travers for singing Franks’s parts almost exactly like Frank while at the same time playing drums – no easy feat.

The set list, to the best of my memory:

-Stink Foot
-King Kong
-Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow
-St. Alphonso’s Pancake Breakfast
-Father O’Blivion
-Inca Roads
-Village Of The Sun


-I’m So Cute
-Pound For A Brown
-Tryin To Grow A Chin
-Black Page
-Peaches En Regalia
-Trouble Every Day
-Tush Tush Tush (A Token Of My Extreme instrumental)


June 16, 2006

…the sun shines for you he said the day we were lying among the rhododendrons on Howth head in the grey tweed suit and his straw hat the day I got him to propose to me yes first I gave him the bit of seedcake out of my mouth and it was leapyear like now yes 16 years ago my God after that long kiss I near lost my breath yes he said I was a flower of the mountain yes so we are flowers all a womans body yes that was one true thing he said in his life and the sun shines for you today yes that was why I liked him because I saw he understood or felt what a woman is and I knew I could always get round him and I gave him all the pleasure I could leading him on till he asked me to say yes and I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the sea and the sky I was thinking of so many things he didnt know of Mulvey and Mr Stanhope and Hester and father and old captain Groves and the sailors playing all birds fly and I say stoop and washing up dishes they called it on the pier and the sentry in front of the governors house with the thing round his white helmet poor devil half roasted and the Spanish girls laughing in their shawls and their tall combs and the auctions in the morning the Greeks and the jews and the Arabs and the devil knows who else from all the ends of Europe and Duke street and the fowl market all clucking outside Larby Sharans and the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the vague fellows in the cloaks asleep in the shade on the steps and the big wheels of the carts of the bulls and the old castle thousands of years old yes and those handsome Moors all in white and turbans like kings asking you to sit down in their little bit of a shop and Ronda with the old windows of the posadas glancing eyes a lattice hid for her lover to kiss the iron and the wineshops half open at night and the castanets and the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about serene with his lamp and O that awful deepdown torrent O and the sea the sea crimson sometimes like fire and the glorious sunsets and the figtrees in the Alameda gardens yes and all the queer little streets and pink and blue and yellow houses and the rosegardens and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.

-excerpt from “Ulysses” by James Joyce

“mr leopold bloom, the kidney, and pussens” by Baron von Hoopla

A Plea To Ruth Underwood

June 14, 2006



O Ruth

I don’t know where you are now

Whether you are sleeping or not

But could you please


O please

Come play my skull like a sweet marimba?