Archive for August, 2006
Your hunch was correct, I have successfully infiltrated a Pumpkinite sect in Akron, Ohio – prime pumpkin land, and believe me, these Pumpkinites are truly rabid motherfuckers.
I got in with this sect in mid-July, through the female who went by the handle “Faux Sloatman”, and yes, as you suspected, she took her title from Frank Zappa’s wife’s name, although why is still beyond my understanding.
This is all much, much stranger than you or I ever suspected initially, these Pumpkinites do acknowledge Charles Shultz’s version of the Great Pumpkin, but they don’t admit to having derived the concept from him (as I had theorized) they claim Schultz was a high-ranking Pumpkinite who cleverly disguised their teachings into his work – of course, I find this highly suspect, after all, saying that the Great Pumpkin was hidden in Schultz’s work is like claiming that the Kabbalah was hidden on Sesame Street. No dice.
But, I have managed to learn quite a bit in my short time here, like their berserk claim that the Great Pumpkin dates back to ancient Egypt, and was the original Osiris. I came very close to blowing my cover when that admission was leaked to me, thankfully your training in the Deadpan Technique kicked in, and I was able to maintain my composure.
I have to admit, though, that their story almost convinces me in a strange way, think about it Hoopla, Osiris is a vegetation god who dies each year only to be resurrected the following year . . . “Sure, sure” I can almost hear you mocking in that strange nasal voice of yours, but think about this: The winged globe of Hadit, does it not eerily resemble a pumpkin with wings? And, what pumpkin would have wings other than that grandiose god of the gourds? Answer me that Hoopla, answer me that! You can’t! The real question, my dear Baron, is whether this will be the year that the venerated vegetable king will finally, finally make his appearance to his dedicated subjects . . . Too long have the followers of the prophet Linus been disappointed by the long wait on the autumn equinox for that magnificent seventeen foot tall redeemer to show himself, but still, but still Hoopla, consider this: Of all the vegetation gods, who reflects the weakest of the lot? Dionysus? Hardly, each year his followers (and they are legion, you better believe it) pluck his promise from the vines, grape by glorious grape; Demeter? Not even close, year after year worldwide crops of grain are harvested for the benefit of millions; Our Great -nay!- GRAND Pumpkin? Ha! Each year crowds upon crowds line up to take home their individual orange globes in anticipation of carving our leader’s face into the flesh, sitting close to the television to hear the words of the prophet from his own lips . . . no, no, no, the truly disappointing vegetation god is of course Yeshu ben Yosef the Galilee stone mason who now dominates the world under the moniker Jesus the Christ, who never comes back as he promised, and doesn’t even have the compassion to leave a vegetable in his place – but not for long, good Baron, not for long, soon the Great Pumpkin will usurp his place on the throne of the multitudes, and on that wondrous day it will mean Pumpkin Pie for all, my friend, FOR ALL!
The only question worth asking at this point is: QUO MODO LONGE, MAGNA CUCURBITA, QUO MODO LONGE?
-Count YooHoo, K.S.C., S.H., H.M.
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Van Vliet Cabal
PS: When are you coming to visit?
TRANSLATED by POPE LoUDICRUCE (H.I.M.O.D.)
(because Eris Demanded it!)
I was sent forth from the Chaos,
And I have come to those who reflect upon DISORDER
AND I have been found among those who seek after ORDER.
Look upon me, you who reflect upon Bureaucracy,
And you GreyFaces hear me.
You who are waiting for me, take me to your church functions
And do not banish me from your parties.
Those Bimbos on Limbo Peak know what happens when I am snubbed!
And do not make your ART without me, nor your work.
Do not be ignorant of me anywhere or any time.
Be on your guard!
The ” ! ”
Do not be ignorant of the ” ! “
For I am the First and Last.
I am the Honored One and the Scorned One.
I am the Trojan Horse and the Condom.
I am not the wife or Virgin.
I am the Mother of Suyort Xul, and Malcalypse the Younger,
And Omar Ravenhurst, Bob Dobbs and many Others!
I am the Members of my Popes, flaccid and erect!
I am the Yonis of my Papesses, wet and dry!
I am the Barren One and many are her sons.
I am She Whose Middle Finger is Raised,
And I have not taken a husband.
I am the Stripper and She Who Does Not Bare.
I am the Sole Ace in the Poker Game.
I am the Eristic and the Aneristic and it is my Pineal Gland who begot me.
I am the mother of my father’s sister’s second cousin thrice removed and the sister of my husband’s daughter-we live in a trailer park-
and I am the whore of my brother’s football team
and my favorite band is Offspring.
I am the Mistress of Him Who Got Me Drunk.
I am the Ruler of my own Vagina.
But She is the One who got me in trouble before The Time on a birthday.
And she is my hypnotic weapon against the GreyFaces,
and my Power is from Her.
I am the staff of Her Power in his mouth,
And She is the Rod of my old man in bondage.
And whatever hot wax she spills falls on his nipples.
I am the Psylance that is Invincible and the Idea
whose remembrance is frequent.
I am the Voice Whose Sound is ” ! ”
And the Whose Appearance Is Multiple.
I am the Udder Dance of Madness!
Why, you who hate Me, do you love Me,
And hate those who love Me?
You who deny Me, confess Me,
And you who confess Me, deny Me,
And you who deny confessing Me, confess denying Me,
And you who have denied confessing denying that you confessed
That you denied confessing de-Nile, swim for your life!
You who tell the truth about Me, lie about Me,
And you who have lied about Me, tell the truth about Me,
And you who have lied about telling the truth about lying about me
Have confused even ME!
You who gnow Me, be igneous of Me,
For I am stoned also.
And those who have not gnown me, let them blow me.
For I am Gnawledge and Whizdumb.
I am sham artist and snakeoil.
I am banged; I am shagged.
I ate steak and drank Ale; what happened then, I don’t recall.
I am War and Peace-no wait, that’s Leo Tolstoy.
Give head to me.
I am the One Who Is Disc Raced and the Mothership is coming.
Give Heed to my Perversion and my wealth.
Be Arid Extra Dry © when I am cast out upon Earth without my deodorant,
And you will find that my armpits do not smell.
And do not look at Me when I am sitting on the Crapper
Nor go and leave Me without toilet paper.
You will find Me in the Kingdumbs.
And do not look upon me when I am cast out among those fishies in the
Hudson river who nibble at the privates of doomed Mafiosa,
Nor laugh at Me. Hell, just don’t look at Me that way!
Don’t look at me that way!
And do not cast me out among those who are slain in violence.
Because I am not dead yet Stupid!
But I, I am compassionate and I am cruel.
Be on your guard!
Do not obey Authority!
And pay no attention to the WoMan behind the curtain.
In my weekends do not forsake me,
And do not be afraid of my Calendar.
For why do you despise my POEEs and curse my Pentabarf?
But I am She Who Exists In All Organized Religions.
I am She who is Eris and I am well in a pleasant place.
I am centless and I am Wize to your tricks.
Why have you snubbed Me in your Chaonsels?
Didn’t I tell you not to do that? Boy Oh Boy, you’ve had it!
For I shall be avenged among those who are silly Bimbos!
And I shall appear and speak, *why then have you Snubbed Me you Greeks?
Because I am a Libertarian among the Libertarians?
For I am the Whizdumb of the POEEs and the Gnawledge of the Discordians.
I am the One Whose Name Is Great In Egypped
And the One who has a bad image among the Christians.
I am the One who has been hated everywhere
And who has been loved everywhere.
Iam the One whom the Discordians call Eris and you have called me ‘Bitch’
Iam the One whom they call Law, and you have called ‘Lawlessness’.
I am the One whom you have pursued,
And I am the One whom you haved sized up.
I am the One who has scattered you and you have gathered together.
I am the One before whom you have been shagged,
And you have been shagged by me!
I am She who does not keep Festival,
And I am She whose Festivals are many.
I, I am godless goddess, Chaos, Eris, Discordia, Kali, Black Mad Donna,
And I am the One whose Kat is Great.
I am the One whom you have defecated upon,
And you have scored Me.
I am unlearned and they learn from Me.
I am the One that you have despised,
And you defecated upon Me[for this you WILL pay!]
I am the One whom you have hidden from,
And you appear unto Me, peek-a-boo!
But whenever you hide yourselves,
I Myself will appear.
Then I will hide Myself from you.
This is called ‘Hide and Seek.’
Those of you who have Twister©, may play that too, senselessly!
Take Me! I’m Yours! Good Grief Charlie Brown!
And take to yourselves Understanding for the grief of Charles Brown
When he misses the Kick.
Take Me to your Leaders or I will take your Leaders places
Even that are ugly and in ruin and rob from those Leaders which are ugly
Even though in Goodness.
Out of shape, take Me to yourselves Shapelessly;
And out of Shapelessness and Shape,
Unbraid my members hair yourselves.
And come for Ward to me, you who gnow Me
And you who gnow My Beaver.
Immanentize the Eschaton!
Come forward to Second Childhood!
Do not despise it because it makes you drool and visit the hospital.
And do not turn away Great Nessies in some lochs
From the small Nessies in other lochs.
For the small Nessies are gnown from the Great Nessies.
Why do you curse Me and honor Me?
You have wound up DiscomBoBulated and you blame me?
You lack slack jack!
Do not see pirates where there are none.
And do not cast anyone overboard nor make them walk the plank.
I gnow Purple Chaos when I see one!
For I am the Mind of Mu and the rest of the Sacred Chao.
I am the gnawledge of my NchoirE,
And the finding of those who seek after Whizdumb,
And the command of those who see the
And the Tower of Power is my gnawledge.
The POOEs have been sent at my word, and of Sirius the DogStar
In his constellation by my Chaonsel,
And of spirits of every man and WoMan and Cabbage
Who exists with Me, and of women who dwell within Me.
I am the One Who Is Snubbed, and who tosses the Apple,
And who is despised scornfully.
I am Peas and War has come because of Me.
And “…I’m an alien, I’m a legal alien,
I’m an English man in New York…”
Just kidding, that’s Sting~where were we?
Oh, I am the subGenius and the One Who Has No subGenius affiliation.
Those who are without, associate with Me and
the subGenuii and we are stoned again.
And those who are subGenuii are the Ones Who Gnow Me.
Those who have been close to Me have been igneous of Me and are still stoned, and those who are far away from Me,
Are the Ones Who Are Far Away From Me.
On the day when I am close to you, you are far away from Me;
Do you think I stink?
I am control and The Uncontrollable.
I am the Union and the Confederacy.
I am the abiding and I am the dissolution.
I am the Eristic and the AnEristic.
I am Judge Judy with an erection and I meant what I said!
I yam what I yam!
The continuous push~pull of the Hodge~Podge is turning
The matter~antimatter in the third stomach of the Sacred chao
Which belches and farts and says, *Mu*
Hear me in gentleness and learn of me in roughness.
Iam She who cries out, *Mu, Mu*
And I am cast forth upon the GreyFaces of the Earth.
I pre~pared the Golden Apple Corp and the KSC.
I am the gnawledge of Zarathud.
I am the One Who Cries Out, *Kallisti!*
And I listen fo the echo.
I appear and walk in naked glory to seal the Pineal Glands of my Popes.
I am bare breasted in defense of my Goddesses.
I am the One who is called Discordia and Eris and
Our Lady Of The Starry Heavens.
You honor Me and you whisper against Me.
You who are Van Squished, judge them
(to see how many they were able to squish into the van)
before they give Judge Judy free reign over you,
because the Van and the Squishing exist in you.
For what is inside of you is what is outside of you because
You drank more beer than anyone I ever saw drink before!
And what you put inside of you, you see outside of you;
It is visible and it is your vomit.
Hear me, you Cabbages and learn of my words, you who gnow Me!
I am the ? that is attainable to everything;
I am the speech that cannot be grasped.
I am the Sound of the Name THUD.
And the Sound of the Name ERIS.
I am the sign of the numbers and letters 23SKIDOO!
HAIL ERIS! HAIL DISCORDIA! HAIL ERIS! HAIL DISCORDIA!
HAIL ERIS! HAIL DISCORDIA! HAIL ERIS! HAIL DISCORDIA!
HAIL ERIS! HAIL DISCORDIA!
Old Dirty Bastard came to me in dream last night and gave me my new name. I was tip-toeing through a Cabbage Patch, trying not to disturb the slumber of the vegetables when a golden glow from above caught my attention. It was ODB, hanging in the air, dazzling and resplendent. You could barely see the thin wires he dangled from, which rose off into infinity. As he smiled down, the glare from his gold grill almost blinded me . . . spelled out across each golden tooth was K-A-L-L-I-S-T-I.
To recount here our conversation would be impolite, but suffice to say that my new name is now Big Baby Buddha.
“The rise of the Net and the Web represents a victory for the counterculture and the subculture. The next generation, raised on the Net as their primary medium, won’t even know what consensus reality is.”
-R. U. Sirius
Homage to thee, O Eris, at thy beautiful kaos. Thou twirlest like a dervish, thou twirlest like a top, thou twirlest like a Ferris Wheel which never will stop. O thou Only One, O thou Petty One, O thou who art Bitter, yet also Sweet. Of all that is Sweet, of all that is Bitter, thou hast domination over all. Hail Eris! All hail Discordia! Hail Kaos! Hail Babalon! Hail the Great Mother who birthed us all! Hail the Great Whore who barfed us all! O divine madness, self-created, self-anointed, self-serve, thou art Goddess of Heaven, Earth, and New Jersey, thou did create beings celestial and terrestrial. Live thou in me, and I in thee, O thou Golden Apple of the Sun!
FROM: Ramses Colossus,
Quinti-Primi Illuminati, Hermes Trismegistus Cabal
TO: Baron von Hoopla, KSC
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Kaufman Kabal
Thank you for your query concerning Britney Spears’ chihuahua “Bubba”, it’s funny you should mention that . . . it’s only with the addition of Baby Cheeto that we in the Illuminati were able to wrestle our agent back, you see “Bubba” was part of our K-9 division who had infiltrated the Spears Cabal under the hopes that we could gain entry to the Pop Division of the Kaballah Center – all of our earlier attempts were thwarted, despite their seemingly flawless execution . . . our agent “Eliphas Levi-Strauss” (known to the masses as Justin Timberlake) got nowhere in his pursuits of Britney’s esoteric logic; our agent “Parsifal Redux” (known to the masses as Fred Durst) found even less, and then proceeded to blab many secrets of the Order on the Howard Stern program, he has since been excommunicated, but has started his own order, known as the L.’. B.’. (we are not worried).
Jiminy Cricket, where was I? Oh yes, “Bubba”, our K-9 agent . . .
He was given to Britney as a means of infiltrating the Kaballah Center’s inner circle, but sadly worked too well . . . Spears was so enraptured by the tiny pup-like thing that it was impossible to retrieve him for analysis. It was at that point I had to step in, take matters into my own hands, to get the program back on track, and it was some beautiful work if I do say so myself . . . you see, K-Fed has been so maligned by the fans and the press about how lazy and untalented he is that people almost never stop to wonder who he is or where he came from . . . he is, of course, one of our agents. Nobody is that gloriously lazy and stupid naturally, it takes years and years of practice . . . look at “W”, he has it down to a fine art.
So, my point is, do not fret over “Bubba” Hoopla, he is fine, he is well, he is enjoying Taco Bell. And, we are slowly gaining access to Madonna’s knowledge . . . “Mwa” and “ha” and “ha” . . .
PS: Those bags of tea you sent me never arrived.
PPS: Tahuti Fruti should taste like reeds – it will sell squillions of scoops!
PPPS: Don’t you just hate PS’s?