Water and Air – A New Perspective

Envy, Harpo:55, 6006YD

The United Church of Canada is saying water is a sacred thing, and shouldn’t be sold like any other commodity.

“It carries great spiritual strength for communities of faith,” said David Hallman, the church’s director of energy and the environment.

The church, Canada’s largest Protestant church, has launched a campaign to persuade people to stop buying bottled water. Already, many of its more than 3,600 congregations have stopped serving water at church functions.

I say hats off to the United Church of Canada! Kudos! Too long have people taken water for granted, acting as if it just sits around in lakes and rivers waiting to be used. Why, the way people mistreat water (Kool-Aid anyone?) would make one think it just falls from the sky.

As Grand Wazoo of the Esoteric Order of Eris, Benignostrictus Magister of Erisian Mysterees, Ambassador of Eris on Planet Earth, and President of the Midgets Fan Club I proclaim that we should go even further, let not water be the only element which is sanctified! Air is the life! We must stop breathing! Too long has air been used and abused by the denizens of planet Mudball, made to fill condoms by unruly fratboys, used to fill speeches by unruly politicians, farted and belched ad nauseam by all.

Do we forget how St. Hubert flapped his elbows in the manner of the funky chicken while chanting “hail eris all hail discordia” in Pig Latin until he achieved enlightenment and took the air? Do we forget how Fudgio Montobono deprived himself of air, then breathed in and out violently until the blessed element gave him the idea to use planet Mudball as a giant yoyo? Do we forget how St. Ray flew through the air on planks of wood meant to imitate skis? These are holy acts, O brothers and sisters, forget not their importance, and forget not the importance of air.

I beseech you, my friends, to stop breathing, let the holy air remain pure. Do not befoul the invisible vapor with your common halitosis. Breathe not!

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