St. Bean’s Day

Lust, Chico:2, 6006 YD

Chico the second is the birth date of one of my favourite Discordian Saints: Judge Phantly Roy Bean. Because of this, we at the E.’. E.’. name Chico the second as St. Bean’s Day henceforth.

Phantly Roy Bean was a saloon-keeper, and arbitrary judge who called himself “The Law West of the Pecos”. Discordian legend tells that Judge Roy Bean held court sessions in his saloon along the Rio Grande River in a desolate stretch of the Chihuahuan Desert of West Texas.

As a youth Judge Bean was accosted on a stretch of road by a group of bandits, (or native americans, legends differ on the details) he was attacked ruthlessly and left for dead amongst the cacti. He survived for fifteen days by murdering armadillos and cracking them open for moisture – on the fifteenth day the Judge had a vision of a woman with golden hair who called herself “the Heiress”, she gave Bean the strength to pick himself up and make his way on foot to a nearby town called Langtry, which would be his home for the rest of his life. He believed the Heiress to be a goddess who had spared his life so that he may make the world over in his idea of her image.

Roy built a saloon he named the Heiress that also served as his home. He hung a tattered picture he himself had drawn of his vision behind the bar. Above the door he posted signs proclaiming “ICE COLD BEER” and “LAW WEST OF THE PECOS.” From there Roy Bean dispensed liquor, justice, and legends, including that he himself had named the town in honor of the actress Lillie Langtry on the Heiress’ bidding. He was elected to office in 1884 and re-elected many times.

His court methods were arbitrary and comical and inspired many outrageous tales. His court paraphernalia included only one revolver, one law book and a pet bear named Boopsie. It is said that, when performing marriage ceremonies, he always ended the service by saying “And may the Goddess have mercy on what is left of your soul.”

Judge Roy Bean was a merciless dispenser of justice, often called “The Hangin’ Judge, having sent a record 23,00 men and two women to the gallows during his career. He was quoted often to have said “and there’s LOTS more where they came from!”

Actor Michael Richards probably would have liked Judge Roy Bean a hell of a lot, since one of Bean’s most outrageous rulings occurred when an Irishman was accused of killing a Chinese American worker. Friends of the accused threatened to destroy the Heiress if the Irishman was found guilty. Court in session, Bean browsed through his law book, turning page after page, searching for a legal precedent. Finally, rapping his pistol on the bar, he proclaimed, “Gentlemen, I find the law very explicit on murdering your fellow man, but there’s nothing here about killing a Chinaman. Case dismissed.”

In 1896 Bean organized the world championship boxing title bout between Bob Fitzsimmons and Peter Maher on an carnival island in middle of the Rio Grande, because boxing matches were illegal in Texas. The resulting sport reports spread his fame throughout the United States, as well as convincing a young Don King to enter into the world of boxing.

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