Archive for February, 2007

If I Told You…………

February 28, 2007

Lust, Groucho:27, 6006 YD

by: One-Eyed Thayne Magee

“if i told you..absolutely they would kill me…and no tin hat would save me”
– nikola tesla

the other night i was watching the demons crawl out of the woodwork again, which is why caulking is so damned important. if you caulk it hard enough and tight enough the demons can’t get out of the fucking walls and suck your one remaining eyeball right out of your head. anyway, one of these demons kind of oozed up to me and said, “thayne, old buddy. you do realize that your very own government killed nikola tesla right? they let him live long enough to drain his brains dry of every idea he ever had, and then they killed him.”

“and you’re next boy. you’re next. only they won’t keep you alive long enough for you to spit. because after all, what does the uncle sammy want with heated toilet paper, floating lawn chairs and seeing-eye armadillos? well okay, so they might like the tp idea, but you know damn well they’d keep it for the bigwigs and let the little fellows continue to freeze their nuts off, right? of course right.”

and i thought to myself, thayne, i thought, big brother is everywhere. and it’s just like the old lady always says “goddammit, leave your glass eye at home next time you go on a bender down at harold’s lounge or it’s just dejavu like when the cops haul you away and you kick the cop in the knee and they cuff your feet together so even if you kick open the back door of the cop car and try to hop away (again), the truth is the police can run faster than you when you’re cuffed at the ankles. and you know they’ll throw you back in the drunk tank where they don’t care what happened to your glass eye, or maybe they took it and spit on it or are saving it for their hallooween costumes, or for a trophy. yeah, that’s it a trophy eye hanging on the wall of the break room down at the jail. even if you get it back you don’t know where it’s been.”

so anyway, back to nikola tesla, the fucking genius who immigrated here from Serbia , and either knew transmigration or teleportation or else had tunnels under his house that led to his secret lab. but then one day he decided to do things much as an ordinary man would and got hit by a car while crossing the road and died in the street like a dog and the fbi came in and took all his papers and his secrets when they raided his place. but he got revenge and the last laugh because the fuckers tried to photograph tesla in his casket and the photo blurred and they were unable to make the camera focus on his face. there’s not one death picture of his face which is the way he wanted it. the question that begs here is this: what good is the last laugh if you’re dead?

the moral of this rant is listen to your old lady, but not her mother. leave your glass eye at home, never forget your ankles are cuffed and the man can run faster, caulk those cracks in the woodwork, dig your tunnels deep and don’t cross the road like everyone else, or the they’ll get you next.

your friend,
thayne

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Two Clowns Shot Dead At Circus

February 27, 2007

Greed, Groucho:26, 6006 YD

BOGOTA (Reuters) – Two clowns were shot and killed by an unidentified gunman during their performance at a traveling circus in the eastern Colombian town of Cucuta, police said Wednesday.

The gunman burst into the Circo del Sol de Cali Monday night and shot the clowns in front of an audience of 20 to 50 people, local police chief Jose Humberto Henao told Reuters. One of the clowns was killed instantly and the second died the next day in hospital.

“The killings had little to do with the show the victims were performing at the time of the incident,” Henao said in a telephone interview. “We are investigating the motive.”

With an entrance fee of under 50 U.S. cents, Circo del Sol de Cali attracts mostly poor Colombians. It pitched it tents in Cucuta, near the border with Venezuela, earlier this month.

“The clowns came out to give their show and then this guy came out shooting them,” one audience member told local television. “It was ghastly.”

(for an encounter I had with an evil clown, click here)

Jim Carrey On The 23 Enigma:

February 26, 2007

Pride, Groucho:25, 6006 YD

“A friend of mine in Canada handed it down to me because he saw it everywhere,” Carrey says. “Then he gave me a book of 23 phenomena, which listed all the strange dates and odd occurrences. I thought he was crazy. But then I started seeing 23 everywhere.

“It entered my life in a big way,” he says. “Suddenly I started driving all of my friends crazy.”

Then someone mentioned Psalm 23, the Biblical poem with the passage “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. . . . Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.”

“It’s basically about living without fear and knowing that you’re taken care of,” Carrey says.

Suddenly things made sense to Carrey, to such an extent that he even changed the name of his production company from Pitbull Productions to JC23.

“I was on the Net talking to someone about changing the name of my company to JC23,” Carrey recalls, “and my friend talked about that psalm. . . . about the ‘valley of the shadow of death.’ At the same time, another friend walked into my office with a newspaper . . . that had a big headline that read, ‘Death Valley Blooms.’ It was the first time in 100 years that it did bloom because of extraordinary rain. Those seeds were waiting for 100 years.

“I thought: ‘How fitting. I think I’m on a weird and special journey here,’ ” Carrey says.

Then he got a phone call that turned things a little spooky.

“I was explaining this company-name change to another friend,” the actor says, “and he said: ‘That’s funny. I just wrote a script about the number 23.’ I was totally freaked out. The first page of the script had me as this animal catcher capturing a pit bull. I went from Pitbull Productions to JC23, and the reason was not lost on me.

“The writer even told me to turn to the 23 rd page in his script and then asked me to start circling every 23 rd word on that page. It was written like a code that was really cool.”

Carrey has a folder of pictures he took to document “23 incidents.”

“I took these with my camera phone,” Carrey says. “Look, here’s a tow truck from when my car broke down, with a 23 on the side. It’s the 23 rd truck in their fleet. I got the driver to take a picture of me with it. Look at the car in front of us in the picture. He has a 23 on his license plate.

“When I got to the hotel room here,” he continues, “I was put in Room 1223. I look out my terrace, and the awning across the street is for the address 323. And then I ordered some breakfast, and there was a 23 written on my pancakes.

“OK, I made the last one up,” he says, laughing. “But the rest is true, and it’s eerie and freaky.”

more . . .

"Britney Goes Berserk On Paparazzo"

February 24, 2007

Wrath, Groucho:23, 6006 YD

I thought it was fitting on the day of Wrath to post this image of Britney Spears going ballistic on the paparazzo the other night . . . people are talking about how nutty she went in this situation, but to be quite honest I think this is the most sane I’ve seen the woman in ages. More celebs should be bashing at the media with umbrellas, methinks. Bully, Ms. Spears, bully.

And this post will officially be the last time I ever mention Ms. Spears, so lap it up, ladies.

Spotted In Jamaica

February 23, 2007

Gluttony, Groucho:22, 6006 YD

Photo taken by: The Revereend

Count YooHoo In Point Pleasant

February 23, 2007

Envy, Groucho:21, 6006 YD

Hoopla:

Sweet Bela Lugosi’s backhair! It seems like I haven’t spoken to you in yurts and yurts. It took me literally ages to shake those goddam Grapes of Wrath – by the way, I think they MIGHT have actually been associated with that band you mentioned, does the name “Chris ‘Mister’ Hooper” mean anything to you?

I shook the group of mammary-obsessed maniacs in Point Pleasant, West Virginia, and took refuge in a homeless shelter, if it was good enough for Coleslaw, it was good enough for me. It did smell vaguely of urine, but to be quite honest, it could have been me: those Grapes of Wraths were savages, man, I tell you: and they made me a savage to boot. It wasn’t pretty.

The word twerp originally meant someone who bit bubbles of flatulence in bathtubs: isn’t that a bizarrely exact description?

Where was I?

Good lord, I haven’t even gotten to the point yet. Verbosity is not an admirable trait, Hoopla, don’t let anyone tell you different. Christ: The point: In the shelter I met a man who I thought at first to be an Al Jolson impersonator, but it turns out there was a much more simple explanation: he was simply covered from head to toe in the ashes of burned corpses.

But, let’s be perfectly honest, my good Baron, who hasn’t that happened to? On occasion?

The man’s name was Brian Jolson (it turns out he was actually Al Jolson’s grandson, but it was just a “coincidence”), he was part of a cult, or sect, or religion called the Aghori, who worship Shiva, and consider everything holy, including eating corpses, copulating with corpses, playing Five Card Stud with corpses, and swimming in shit. I don’t mind the Five Card Stud part, to be perfectly honest.

Brian cruises around looking for women on their – well, their time if you . . . get me . . . he performes tantric yoga with the women, which he describes as a sacred Aghori rite entitled “Surfing The Crimson Wave”. That’s the English phrasing for it anyway, that’s what Brian tells me. He hasn’t had much luck since I’ve been with him. Well, if you consider finding an abandoned 1978 Pinto near some railroad tracks “luck”, then he has some luck . . . but not in the area he would probably prefer.

Anyway, where was I? Right.

Money.

I need you to wire me some money, so I can get the Christ away from this freak, he’s eyeing me up rather strangely. I was well fed when with the Grapes of Wrath. Maybe too well fed.

Send money soon.

Count YooHoo, K.S.C., S.H., H.M.
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Van Vliet Cabal

Five Discordian YouTube Videos I Don’t Necessarily Recommend

February 22, 2007

Lust, Groucho:20, 6006 YD

If your idea of Discordianism is dressing up in a cloak, setting up the video camera, parroting the Principia Discordia, then posting it on YouTube, these videos are for you!!

Video 1

Video 2

Video 3

Video 4

Video 5

Day Of The Bearded Ladies

February 21, 2007

Greed, Groucho:19, 6006 YD

The Nineteenth of Groucho is the birthdate of two separate bearded ladies, and is thus an extremely holy day. First, this day is the birthdate of Paula the Bearded Lady, who prayed to the Goddess for a beard to discourage the attentions of a young man, who could speak only of his carriage, and how many horses pulled it: her prayers were promptly answered, and a fine robust goatee sprouted from her chin, giving her a sudden taste for jazz music.

St Wilgefortis, a completely fictional saint, and therefor completely glorious in the eyes of the Goddess, was the daughter of the equally fictional King of Portugal, a compltely fictional country still believed in by many fools today. The King wished her to marry the King of Sicily, a semi-fictional island off the coast of Italy, once inhabited by giant Cyclopses. Wilgefortis had taken a vow of virginity, and so prayed for a beard to turn off her suitor. Her prayer was also granted by the Goddess, and she was then crucified by her father.

It is prudent at this point to remind people that praying to the Goddess is an unwise move in any situation.

Raelian Compound Yard Sale

February 19, 2007

Pride, Groucho:18, 6006 YD

I’ve always wanted to own my own cult compoud, complete with its own UFO, so you’d think I was in luck when the Raelians decided to sell theirs, there’s only one thing . . . it’s in Quebec.

The Raelian movement was started in the 70s by former race-car driver “Claude Vorilhon” who claims to have had an encounter with a UFO in France who gave him a new name, “Rael”, and which led him to understand the “true” origins of humankind: Rael claims that every life form on Earth was created by advanced human scientists from another planet with 25,000 years of scientific advances who, according to Raelians were originally called Elohim or “those who came from the sky”, and that some forty prophets in Earth’s history were sent by Elohim whose messages were misunderstood and distorted by humans, largely because of the difference in the level of scientific understanding between the advanced race and our primitive one.

The Raelians reached a new level of notoriety (or infamy, depending on your politics) in 2002 when they claimed to have successfully cloned a human baby, a claim they have yet to prove publicly.

Now the group thinks they have worn out their welcome in Quebec, and are packing up to move to the USA, home of the “free”, and selling their $2.95-million compound to the highest bidder. “We’ve been in Quebec for 30 years and our membership is saturated. Our future is in the United States,” said group spokesman Jocelyn Chabot, a Raelian priest.

Cynics claim it’s a sign of decline for a sect that once piled up publicity with its beliefs in telepathy, aliens and free love; however, optimists wonder if perhaps the Raelian movement will gain notoriety with jaded celebrities south of the border and become an even bigger, more boffo, cult craze than Kabbalah, or even -gasp!- Scientology.

The Raelian property, which is already posted on one Internet site, sprawls over 500 hectares in Quebec’s Eastern Townships. It offers campgrounds, lakes, an amphitheatre, a small carnical and sideshow, a shopping mall, two dentist offices, a McDonalds, nine Starbucks, seven Tim Hortons, a wading pool, offices and — for those with otherworldly tastes — a condominium building in the shape of a spaceship. Also on site is a copy of the UFO that Rael says he encountered while hiking along a volcano in France in the 5970s.

The group’s listing on LandAndFarm.com says the property covers 275 acres (500 hectares). The asking price, as stated earlier, is $2.95-million.

Anna Nicole Smith Awarded Sainthood By SubGenius UFO Cult

February 16, 2007

Wrath, Groucho:16, 6006 YD

The Church of the SubGenius has awarded posthumous Sainthood to late performer and actress Anna Nicole Smith.

The Church acknowledged Miss Smith’s fey, outrageous lifestyle and agreed that it meets its standards for Sainthood. Church founder J.R. “Bob” Dobbs laid down a set of rules for members of the Church to live their lives, and Miss Smith’s life has met the following criteria:

1. She spent her life Slacking Off, and did not conform to the expectations of others.

2. She achieved fame and fortune not through hard work or intelligence, but basically through dumb holy luck.

3. As seen from her many photos and TV appearances, she ate the hell out of her fair share of cheeseburgers. This meets the definition of a SubGenius commandment: “Don’t just eat that hamburger, eat the HELL out of it!”

4. She was martyred by the “Pinks” (a SubGenius term referring to “normal people”), after being crucified in the press.

5. Like Saint Mary Magdalene of the Catholic Church, her child is a “Son of Man”. Unlike Mary, who claimed that no mortal was the father of her child, it seems as though every male (and perhaps a few female) mortals are claiming to be the father of her child. The Church uses this as the basis for its prediction that Miss Smith’s child shall be a prophet of the SubGenius.

6. The Church of the SubGenius encourages wholesome sexuality, which Miss Smith exuded to excess (at least during her prime years).

In the official Calendar of SubGenius Saints, the date of May 1st will be set aside for honoring Miss Smith. She will share this day with St.Catherine I (The Great) of Russia, who also had Sainthood bestowed on her posthumously by the Church.

The Church of the SubGenius is a popular organization often seen as a “parody” of religious cults, including Scientology, the Raelians, and the Unification Church. It was founded in 1953 by a mysterious figure named J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, whose smiling, pipe-smoking image has been seen worldwide in chip art, graffiti, tattoos, and rock albums from performers ranging from Devo and George Clinton to Sublime. A number of celebrities are SubGenius ministers, including former Talking Heads singer David Byrne, Penn Jillette, late science fiction author Robert Anton Wilson, comic book artist R. Crumb, and Pee Wee Herman.

In 2001, the Church offered a formal invitation to Miss Smith, for her to attend its annual End of the World celebration (X-Day) as a vacation from the stress of her daily life.

Anna Nicole Smith is not the first celebrity to be awarded posthumous Sainthood in the Church. In 1986, an official SubGenius minister ordainment was bestowed upon Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, a scant two weeks before his death. In his published autobiography, rock and roll singer Frank Zappa acknowledged his agreement with the Church’s ideals, though refused to join the organization; a posthumous Sainthood was awarded to him by the Church shortly after his passing.