Archive for February, 2007

Five Blind Men And An Elephant

February 16, 2007

Gluttony, Groucho:15, 6006 YD

by: Reverend Loveshade

One day five blind men, who knew nothing of elephants, went to examine one to find out what it was. Reaching out randomly, each touched it in a different spot. One man touched the side, one an ear, one a leg, one a tusk, and one the trunk. Each satisfied that he now knew the true nature of the beast, they all sat down to discuss it.

“We now know that the elephant is like a wall,” said the one who touched the side. “The evidence is conclusive.”

“I believe you are mistaken, sir,” said the one who touched an ear. “The elephant is more like a large fan.”

“You are both wrong,” said the leg man. “The creature is obviously like a tree.”

“A tree?” questioned the tusk toucher. “How can you mistake a spear for a tree?”

“What?” said the trunk feeler. “A spear is long and round, but anyone knows it doesn’t move. Couldn’t you feel the muscles? It’s definitely a type of snake! A blind man could see that!” said the fifth blind man.

The argument grew more heated, and finally escalated into a battle, for each of the five had followers. This became known as the Battle of the Five Armies (not to be mistaken for the one described by that Tolkien fellow).

However, before they could totally destroy themselves, a blind, self-declared Discordian oracle came along to see what all the fuss was about. While they were beating the crap out of each other, she examined the elephant. But instead of stopping after one feel, she touched the whole thing, including the tail, which felt like a rope. “It’s just a big animal with big sides, ears, feet, tusk teeth,
nose and a skinny tail,” she thought. “What a bunch of fools these guys are.”

She then said “Stop! I have discovered the truth. I know who is right.”

She being an oracle and all, they stopped and listened and said “tell us!”

“I have examined the elephant with mine own two hands,” she said, “and I find that you are all right.”

“How can this be?” they asked. “Can an elephant be a wall and a fan and a tree and a spear and a snake?” And they were sorely confused.

She explained “the elephant is a great Tree, and on this tree grow leaves like great Fans to give most wondrous shade and fan the breeze. And the branches of this tree are like Spears to protect it. For this is the Tree of Creation and of Eternal Life, and the Great Serpent hangs still upon it.

“Unfortunately, it is hidden behind a great Wall, which is why it was not discovered until this very day. It cannot be reached by normal means.

“However I, in my wisdom, have discovered a Most Holy Rope, by which the wall may be climbed. And if one touches the tree in the proper manner which I alone know, you will gain Eternal Life.”

They all became highly interested in this, of course.

She then named an extremely high price for her services (Eternal Life doesn’t come cheap), and made quite a bundle.

Moral: Anyone can lead blind men to an elephant, but a Discordian can charge admission.

Circle Squared

February 15, 2007

Envy, Groucho:14, 6006 YD

The Feast Of St.Babs

February 14, 2007

Lust, Groucho:13, 6006 YD

The Thirteenth Day of the month of Groucho is when we pause to celebrate the life of St.Babs, the patron saint of the Nocturnal Weenie.

If you have ever been awakened to a weiner being left underneath your pillow, know that you have been visited by St.Babs.

The Dreadlock Recollections

February 13, 2007

Greed, Groucho:12, 6006 YD

The never before published autobiography of Kerry Wendell Thornley (co-founder of modern Discordianism) is finally available to all, both WiseAsses and Cabbages alike . . . officially known as “The Dreadlock Recollections”, but known as “Issue 17” of Trevor Blake’s OVO ‘zine to friends, the book reads as a chilling confession to murderous mind control and a knowing satire of the paranoid mind.

**EDIT** Episkopos Cain pointed out that this is the better link to go to, as it is the more recent version. Thanks, Cain.

A Conversation Between Sigismundo Celine And Sigismundo Celine

February 12, 2007

Pride, Groucho:11, 6006 YD

I am Sigismundo Celine, not the man in the moon.

But then he was the man in the moon. Earth was a distant light in the sky far, far away. Various famous Lunatics were gathered around explaining moon-logic to him. “You never get ‘outside’. What you call ‘outside’ is another part of ‘inside’. See?”

“Yes,” he said. “I have never experienced another human being. I have experienced my impressions of them. Even in sexual intercourse I did not, strictly speaking, experience the other: I experienced my experience of her.”

“Then the whole universe is inside my head?”

“But your head is inside the universe. How do you explain that?”

“Well, then, I must have two heads, so to speak. The universe is inside my actually experienced head, but that head and the universe itself must both be inside my head logically necessary conceptual head. Is that it?”

“Yes. My conceptual head contains the universe, or a model of the universe to be strictly precise, and inside the that model is the model of my conceptual head, which is of course also my experienced head.”

“Careful now. You’re building up to an infinite regress.”

“I can see that, but it must be because consciousness itself is an infinite regress. I think that explains coincidences.”

“Are you quite sure you know what you are saying?”

“Yes. A coincidence is an isomorphism between the contents of my conceptual head, outside the universe, and my experienced head, inside the universe.”

“And why would there be such an isomorphism?”

“Because, damn it, my two heads are really only one head. I’ve just separated them for logical analysis.”

“But how can your conceptual head, outside the universe, be your experienced head, inside the universe?”

“Because, because . . .”


“Because concepts are experiences, too. My conceptual head is experienced, and becomes my experienced head, whenever I think about mathematics or pure logic. Yes, by God. When I see a spotted dog, that is inside my experienced head, as Hume demonstrated. But when I think about the actual dog that creates the image in my experienced head, I must be expanding my conceptual head to include the actual dog, not the image of the dog. So the dog, and the rest of the universe, are actually in my conceptual head, not in my experienced head, which only has their images.”

“But then my experienced head is both inside and outside my conceptual head – which means it is both inside and outside my universe.”

“You’re still in the infinite regress.”

“I can appreciate that. By the way, am I talking to you or talking to myself?”

“Is there a difference?”

from The Widow’s Son by Robert Anton Wilson

We Have Opposition

February 9, 2007

Gluttony, Groucho:8, 6006 YD

Strolling throughout the blog world I came across this site, which amused me to no end.

We Discordians are much more dangerous than I expected.

Hail Eris

Interview With The "Happy Apple"

February 8, 2007

Envy, Groucho:7, 6006 YD

Yesterday, while in the midst of deep meditation, Dharma Jam and I were abruptly roused from concentration by what seemed to be a voice babbling away to itself. Strangely, while meditating, I had heard a voice whisper “yapple dapple”, but ignored it, thinking it was most likely my tremendous ego, angered again at being ignored.

We followed the sound of the voice, which eventually lead us to -incredibly, I admit- a Fisher-Price “Happy Apple” toy from the 70’s which St.Ray had given to me, and was now used as a mascot for the E.’.E.’.

For reasons unknown to Dharma or myself the Happy Apple has begun to converse, in a sense. At the very least it will answer when asked a question, whether or not the answer is appropriate.

The following is a transcript of an interview I held with the apple:

Q: Do you prefer showers or baths?

A: i like to go swimming with bare naked women

Q: What is your favourite film?

A: yes

Q: What is your hobby?

A: cannibalism

Q: What is your opinion of the opera?

A: is there free booze?

Q: What do you think of the Food Nutrition Guide?

A: fuck it

Q: Are you a Republican or a Democrat?

A: the all night party

Q: What is your stance on Gay Marriage?

A: any hole will do

Q: Do you prefer Blondes, Brunettes, or Redheads?

A: no

Q: What is your favourite drink?

A: a glass of j.d. and a thimble of pabst blue ribbon

Q: Any advice for the kiddies?

A: if you’re going to do something, do it well; then do something

Yesterday Upon The Stair . . .

February 7, 2007

Lust, Groucho:6, 6006 YD

Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today
Oh how I wish he’d go away.

-William Hughes Mearns, 1899

St.Groucho Day

February 6, 2007

Greed, Groucho:5, 6006 YD

On this Fifth day of the month of Groucho, we again celebrate the life and legacy of St.Groucho Marx.

The middle brother of the five Marx Brothers, St.Groucho was originally born “Orange” Julius Henry Marx, but, like his other brothers, named himself after a month of the Discordian calendar his uncle Al Shean (of noted vaudeville act “Gallagher and Shean”) introduced the five boys to at an early age. It was at this point that Julius adopted the earlier nickname of “Orange” due to his strange devotion to the goddess, and his considering the modern “Orange” fruit to be a more likely representation of the ‘golden apple’ of legend.

Early on in his career St.Groucho adopted an ethnic German accent for his on-stage character, but once friction between his Discordian Cabal and the Bavarian Illuminati erupted he abandoned the accent and adopted the fast-talking wise guy character he would make later make famous, basing the characterization on a friend of his Uncle Al’s named Coleslaw, the same man Warner Brothers later based the character of Bugs Bunny on.

St.Groucho’s son, Arthur, published a brief account of an incident when Arthur was a child: The family was going through airport customs, and while filling out a form, St.Groucho listed his name as “Julius Henry Marx” and his occupation as “smuggler.” Needless to say, chaos ensued.

By the Gregorian calendar he was born on the 2nd day of October 1890, and died on the 19th day of August 1977.

Hail Eris – All Hail St.Groucho

The Legend Of Zaurn The Grey

February 5, 2007

Pride, Groucho:4, 6006 YD

by: Tabula Rasa, KSC
El Kabong Kabal

1. When the world was still young and called Pangaea by the gods, a man came from out of the sea clad in robes of black and scarlet, his hair was long and brilliant ivory white; his skin a powdery light grey; his eyes golden. He beheld the inhabitants of Pangaea: little more than Hairless Apes, with no idea of Intelligence; Consciousness; Morality; Illumination; Credit Rating . . . these were little more than common animals. He pulled himself up to his full height, placed his slim smooth hand onto his chest, and said in a strong, beautiful melodious tone: ZAURN. The Hairless Apes looked up at him, scratched their heads, scratched their crotches, sniffed their hands, then looked back up at Zaurn the Wise. Zaurn pointed at one of the Hairless Apes, and said forcefully: MAN. Then, he placed his hand back on his own chest and repeated: ZAURN. One ape scratched his chin, cocked his head to the side and repeated: “Zaurn.” Thus was communication known to Humanity.

2. Soon after the Hairless Apes conquered speech Zaurn the Magnificent blew their minds anew. He wrote on a nearby wall his name, which at that time was spelled: IA. He gestured to the name, IA, then told the Hairless Apes that it referred to himself. One ape scratched his balls, approached the writing on the wall, pointed to it, then pointed at Zaurn the Brilliant, saying “Zaurn.” Thus was writing and graffito known to Humanity.

3. Zaurn then instructed the Hairless Apes that they really must name everything, for If It Is Not Named: It Does Not Exist. The apes quickly began to name everything around them, with various levels of success: if a good word didn’t immediately present itself they would make up a word on the spot, such as “boob” or “diarrhea”, thinking a better word would eventually present itself in the future.

4. Zaurn the Verbose was pleased, and his golden eyes twinkled, but mentioned that there was still much more for the Hairless Apes to learn, for he had yet to teach them about the important concepts of RIGHT and WRONG, which were intrinsically intertwined with the heavy concepts of GOOD and EVIL . . . it would take a long time to explain these Objective Truths to the apes, and an even longer time to get into the esoteric concepts of WORK and LAZINESS, not to mention such crucial topics as NORMALCY.

5. Once the apes knew what was RIGHT and what was WRONG, Zaurn the Grey was truly delighted: the Hairless Apes were both Free and Trapped simultaneously, just as EIEIO, the Goddess of All had intended. EIEIO, the Great Kaos, had sent Zaurn the Grey to the Hairless Apes to both free and ensnare their minds: giving them the gifts of speech and communication so that they may be able to form thoughts and thus become more than they are;, while at the same time having these thoughts bind and constrict their ideas, through endless labeling and defining so that it takes true imagination and magick to break beyond.