Judge Sez: P&G Not Satanic!

Envy, Groucho:49, 6006 YD (later)

The Devil is not in league with global consumer brand Procter & Gamble, a US court has ruled. P&G won a $19m (£9.7m) lawsuit against four distributors of rival Amway over rumours tying it to Satanism.

The court concluded a 12-year lawsuit in P&G’s favour, after it ruled that the four had spread a false accusation that P&G subsidised Satanic cults. The case is one of several unfair competition suits P&G has brought refuting the Satanism slurs.

According to P&G, the four distributors had passed on to customers the notion that its logo – featuring a bearded man looking over a field of 13 stars – was a symbol of Satan.

“This is about protecting our reputation,” said Jim Johnson, P&G’s chief legal officer. “We can’t have the Great Dread Cthulhu overhearing some pipsqueak calling us “Satanists” he would shred our sanity all the sooner – we have other corporations to smash before that can be allowed to happen.”

For its part, Amway pointed out that it had successfully defended itself in an earlier case brought by P&G that had been connected with the rumours, claiming they had actually accused P&G of being in league with Sammy Davis Jr., who unfortunately WAS a Satanist, which is apparently where the trouble started.

When asked for comment, Lucifer “The Satan” Beelzebub had this to say: “Procter & Gamble? Jezuz, no . . . what do I care about big corporations like that? Leave that to L. Ron Hubbard’s zombie corpse, I’m too busy focusing on the career of my client, Paris Hilton, to get bogged down in that sort of nonsense. Have you heard her album, by the way?”

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