Day Of The Sacred Jelly Bean

Wrath, Gummo:6, 6006 YD

It was on this date in 1857 that Fudgio Montobono, while crawling through the American desert in the southwest, dying slowly of hunger and dehydration, came upon the Sacred Speaking Jelly Bean Of Our Lady. He was crawling over a group of small cacti, and cursing his laziness as needles and spikes ravaged his stomach and chest when he saw a brilliant golden bean laying in the arid dust. The sunlight glittered off the brilliant surface of the Jelly Bean.

Fudgio was momentarily stunned, and simply stared at the bean.

A drop of precious saliva dripped from his tongue (which was lolling out of his cracked and parched lips) onto the dirt, and dissapeared after a fraction of a second.

Fudgio snapped out of his stupour and snatched up the jelly bean, and was about to gobble it down when it addressed him: wait! wait, good fudgio – son of fucked boy, he who used the planet as a yoyo, do not swallow me down, for i bring you news from the goddess . . .

“News from -ack- news from wh-eackk- sorry. Sorry, I haven’t spok-ack ack ack- much in the last few weeks. Which goddess is this?”

The jelly bean glittered brilliantly and spoke again, seeming to vibrate between his fingers as it did: she what done it all, the beginner of all, the ender of all, the grooves in the vinyl, Eris called Strife, goddess of discord kaos and confusion . . .

“Oh.” said Fudgio. “Well. -Ick- what is her news?”

The jelly bean vibrated once more, and spoke: the goddess has sent me to tell you that there is a regular jellybean fifty feet to your right . . . a regular succulent jelly bean created by man and meant for his satisfaction . . . enjoy it, fudgio, it is your and you deserve it . . .

Fudgio stared down at the golden jellybean. He looked off to his right, but saw nothing. He looked back down at the jelly bean between his fingers, then popped it into his mouth. Then, he stood shakily, and walked fifty feet to his right, where he found a purple jelly bean, and beside that a small trickling spring of water surrounded by grass. Fudgio bent, picked up the purple jelly bean, and popped it into his mouth. He swallowed some water he had cupped in his hand, and smiled at the sky. Water was good, and a jelly bean was good. But two jelly beans were better.

* * * * *

On this same day in the year 5976 Dharma Jam was born into the world, the same world which Fudgio Montobono had used as a yoyo so long before. Dharma Jam has been blessed with the voice and vision of the Sacred Jelly Bean of Fudgio, and she is deemed Keeper of the Sacred Jelly Bean.

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