Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

Dear Muddy,

August 21, 2005

Cheer up, Muddy, remember that life is short. Life is often brutal and depressing, have fun while you’re able. Smile, laugh, giggle, even guffaw when you can. Muddy, you and I both know that there were times when you had fun, I’ve even seen you attempt to roller-skate. Granted, that was during the Carter Administration, but still, the joie de vivre was in your blood then and can’t truly be snuffed out, once ignited. I’d give my Aunt Jodie’s wooden left leg to see you jitterbugging all over the rink again, with a pillow tied to your fanny.

Muddy, what’s wrong with walking in the rain? The term ‘acid rain’ is mostly poetic anyway, nobody I know curled up and died from letting some drops fall on their tongue. Do you think you’re made from sugar? I used to think so, but now I’m not so sure . . . care to prove to me you are?

Don’t work so hard, Muddy, the work will always be there. Like what people say about making the bed, it just gets messed up again anyway. Remember that work is for money, and that money is for fun, so in the end work is just a means to an end.

Muddy, why do you reject the amusement park? Don’t you realize those wonderful places are the earthly temples of Eris? They are a veritable diorama of our entire planet, metaphorically showing us what the world can be, if we want it to be. Yes, the rides sometimes derail, and yes, nasty people sometimes abduct kiddies, but you can’t focus on the bad, or that’s all you will see. Think about the fun-house, and the corn dogs, the popcorn, the roller-coaster, and the Fat Lady, my lord, don’t ever forget the Fat Lady. When she cries, Muddy, she cries for you . . . but when she sings, she sings for the world.

Why don’t you sing, Muddy? Are you afraid your pipes have rusted up over the years? Well, I’m a plumber, Muddy, and I can help rattle those pipes if you will only allow yourself to loosen the foundations. When I sing I can feel it all the way down to my disco-dancing toes, and it seems to bring an electric charge to every atom in this prison I call my body, you don’t think you could use that kind of boost? While I’m on the topic, why don’t you dance Muddy? I’ve even seen dogs and cats tango together under a grapefruit moon, do you think you’re better than them?

Why don’t you join us, Muddy, we love you. We want you to look back at the end and say that you lived every day to it’s fullest. Will you really care when you are on your way out whether you were always calm, cool and collected, or will you just care that you lived? Muddy, remember what my friend Sally once said: “What good is sitting all alone in your room? Come hear the music play . . . life is a cabaret, old chum. Come to the cabaret.”

your loving chum,
-BVH

When Conversing With A Tree

August 19, 2005

When conversing with a tree it is important to keep certain facts in mind . . . Most importantly, that almost all trees loathe conversations about the weather. I have no idea why this is, but it’s true. This is an enormous bone of contention with them, and some become quite irate by the simple phrase ‘hot, ain’t it?’, so to be safe, avoid all conversations about weather. Unless you are conversing with a Birch Tree, in which case weather is all they are interested in talking about.

Also, it good to keep some taboo topics in mind, so that uncomfortable silences can be avoided; some topics include Maple Syrup, the trees from the Wizard of Oz, The Spanish Inquisition, and antique wooden furniture. In fact, it’s probably within your best interest to steer clear of any topics revolving around wood.

Lastly, the one topic you never, but EVER, want to engage a tree into conversation about is the philosophical concept of Dualism. I made the mistake once, and was so bored to tears I found myself waking up six months later, covered in moss and growing mushrooms from my face. But, hey, I always was a fun guy.

23 Ways To Live Your Life

August 18, 2005

As told to me, by Dharma Jam:

1 Wake then bake. Wash, rinse, repeat
2 Wearing muumuu’s brings you closer to Mummu
3 Be gay & merry. Not literally homo gay, unless that’s your bag, in which case be homo gay.
4 Cd’s and mp3’s may sound cleaner, but vinyl has S-O-U-L
5 Once a year everyone should go camping. Become one with nature and one with a bottle(s) of beer.
6 Take note: pigeons are robots. Watch what you say.
7 Pigeons can’t be the only robots. Ponder that.
8 Who deserves gifts more than you?
9 If you don’t own a quality pair of headphones, remedy that
10 The giraffe is proof that mother nature has a sense of humor. No?
Well then, what about the duck-billed Platypus? Dude – it’s poisonous. Booya!
11 If everyone in the world took ecstasy today, war would end tomorrow. BUT imagine the crash the day after that.
12 Xylophones and marimbas are highly under used, and under appreciated.
13 Macrame plant-holders bring peace.
14 Why should socks be only black or white?
15 Neck poking is fun. Nobody expects it, and it gets quit a reaction.
Wet willies are juvenile; neck poking is the way of the future.
16 Why not make your world corduroy?
17 Never socialize with any chump with the initials K.K.
18 If you wear ponchos, stop. If you don’t wear ponchos, start. Whatever you are currently doing is wrong.
19 It’s called picking up a book bozo. Expanding your mind doesn’t start tomorrow.
20 All bamboo furniture should be burned. Mmmm . . . roasted marshmallows.
21 Every well-rounded person should be able to twist a balloon doggie.
22 Statistically, there is a possibility that a single trampoline jump could take you all the way to the moon.
23 2 + 3 = 6

Work Frustration

May 10, 2005

When completely frustrated at work, a nice thing to do is take a five minute vacation . . . to the restroom.

Sit back, breathe deeply (from the diaphragm!), think about something nice and simple, like an apple. Gold or otherwise. Think about the chemicals of anger coursing through your veins, and remember that your body functions like a robot, but that you are not a robot. Feel the anger, acknowledge the anger, but don’t be controlled by the anger. If you are controlled by the anger, you are a robot.

Shooting everyone at your place of work may bring you momentary relief, but just think about the legal fees.

Three more days.

Breathe in, Hail Eris. Breathe out, All Hail Discordia.