Archive for the ‘Anna Nicole Smith’ Category

Anna Nicole Smith Awarded Sainthood By SubGenius UFO Cult

February 16, 2007

Wrath, Groucho:16, 6006 YD

The Church of the SubGenius has awarded posthumous Sainthood to late performer and actress Anna Nicole Smith.

The Church acknowledged Miss Smith’s fey, outrageous lifestyle and agreed that it meets its standards for Sainthood. Church founder J.R. “Bob” Dobbs laid down a set of rules for members of the Church to live their lives, and Miss Smith’s life has met the following criteria:

1. She spent her life Slacking Off, and did not conform to the expectations of others.

2. She achieved fame and fortune not through hard work or intelligence, but basically through dumb holy luck.

3. As seen from her many photos and TV appearances, she ate the hell out of her fair share of cheeseburgers. This meets the definition of a SubGenius commandment: “Don’t just eat that hamburger, eat the HELL out of it!”

4. She was martyred by the “Pinks” (a SubGenius term referring to “normal people”), after being crucified in the press.

5. Like Saint Mary Magdalene of the Catholic Church, her child is a “Son of Man”. Unlike Mary, who claimed that no mortal was the father of her child, it seems as though every male (and perhaps a few female) mortals are claiming to be the father of her child. The Church uses this as the basis for its prediction that Miss Smith’s child shall be a prophet of the SubGenius.

6. The Church of the SubGenius encourages wholesome sexuality, which Miss Smith exuded to excess (at least during her prime years).

In the official Calendar of SubGenius Saints, the date of May 1st will be set aside for honoring Miss Smith. She will share this day with St.Catherine I (The Great) of Russia, who also had Sainthood bestowed on her posthumously by the Church.

The Church of the SubGenius is a popular organization often seen as a “parody” of religious cults, including Scientology, the Raelians, and the Unification Church. It was founded in 1953 by a mysterious figure named J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, whose smiling, pipe-smoking image has been seen worldwide in chip art, graffiti, tattoos, and rock albums from performers ranging from Devo and George Clinton to Sublime. A number of celebrities are SubGenius ministers, including former Talking Heads singer David Byrne, Penn Jillette, late science fiction author Robert Anton Wilson, comic book artist R. Crumb, and Pee Wee Herman.

In 2001, the Church offered a formal invitation to Miss Smith, for her to attend its annual End of the World celebration (X-Day) as a vacation from the stress of her daily life.

Anna Nicole Smith is not the first celebrity to be awarded posthumous Sainthood in the Church. In 1986, an official SubGenius minister ordainment was bestowed upon Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, a scant two weeks before his death. In his published autobiography, rock and roll singer Frank Zappa acknowledged his agreement with the Church’s ideals, though refused to join the organization; a posthumous Sainthood was awarded to him by the Church shortly after his passing.