Archive for the ‘Church of SubGenius’ Category

Church Of The SubGenius Television Commercial

March 29, 2007

Envy, Groucho:56, 6006 YD

Apparently MTV used to play this at some point. It must have been a while ago, though, somehow I can’t imagine this being sandwiched between Taco Bell and iPod ads during Laguna Beach.

Anna Nicole Smith Awarded Sainthood By SubGenius UFO Cult

February 16, 2007

Wrath, Groucho:16, 6006 YD

The Church of the SubGenius has awarded posthumous Sainthood to late performer and actress Anna Nicole Smith.

The Church acknowledged Miss Smith’s fey, outrageous lifestyle and agreed that it meets its standards for Sainthood. Church founder J.R. “Bob” Dobbs laid down a set of rules for members of the Church to live their lives, and Miss Smith’s life has met the following criteria:

1. She spent her life Slacking Off, and did not conform to the expectations of others.

2. She achieved fame and fortune not through hard work or intelligence, but basically through dumb holy luck.

3. As seen from her many photos and TV appearances, she ate the hell out of her fair share of cheeseburgers. This meets the definition of a SubGenius commandment: “Don’t just eat that hamburger, eat the HELL out of it!”

4. She was martyred by the “Pinks” (a SubGenius term referring to “normal people”), after being crucified in the press.

5. Like Saint Mary Magdalene of the Catholic Church, her child is a “Son of Man”. Unlike Mary, who claimed that no mortal was the father of her child, it seems as though every male (and perhaps a few female) mortals are claiming to be the father of her child. The Church uses this as the basis for its prediction that Miss Smith’s child shall be a prophet of the SubGenius.

6. The Church of the SubGenius encourages wholesome sexuality, which Miss Smith exuded to excess (at least during her prime years).

In the official Calendar of SubGenius Saints, the date of May 1st will be set aside for honoring Miss Smith. She will share this day with St.Catherine I (The Great) of Russia, who also had Sainthood bestowed on her posthumously by the Church.

The Church of the SubGenius is a popular organization often seen as a “parody” of religious cults, including Scientology, the Raelians, and the Unification Church. It was founded in 1953 by a mysterious figure named J.R. “Bob” Dobbs, whose smiling, pipe-smoking image has been seen worldwide in chip art, graffiti, tattoos, and rock albums from performers ranging from Devo and George Clinton to Sublime. A number of celebrities are SubGenius ministers, including former Talking Heads singer David Byrne, Penn Jillette, late science fiction author Robert Anton Wilson, comic book artist R. Crumb, and Pee Wee Herman.

In 2001, the Church offered a formal invitation to Miss Smith, for her to attend its annual End of the World celebration (X-Day) as a vacation from the stress of her daily life.

Anna Nicole Smith is not the first celebrity to be awarded posthumous Sainthood in the Church. In 1986, an official SubGenius minister ordainment was bestowed upon Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, a scant two weeks before his death. In his published autobiography, rock and roll singer Frank Zappa acknowledged his agreement with the Church’s ideals, though refused to join the organization; a posthumous Sainthood was awarded to him by the Church shortly after his passing.

This Is OUR Century, Assholes

January 17, 2007

Lust, Chico:58, 6006 YD

“We do not apologize for a damned thing.”
-Ralph “Sonny” Barger, from Ridin’ High, Livin’ Free (p. 184)

“I suppose that in any well-ordered society people like us would be locked up or shot. But then you would have to get people like us to do the locking up and the shooting.”
-Jim Morris, from War Story (p. 158)

“All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”
-Arthur Schopenhauer

Yeah, thats right. This century belongs to us, the asshats, the Discordians, the Subgenii, the “crazies”, those non-authoritarian and radical movements opposed to the fundamentalist wave of churches, be they the “old religions”, New Age or otherwise. The time of your faith is dead, we bought the lease to the planet and now we’re willing to chuck the tenants out, before they cause any more damage. And not a moment too soon.

Look around you, o little Cabbage. Look how much your churches and faiths spend each year on recruiting. Look how far they go in their brainwashing tactics, promotion of mass hysteria and control over political bodies. Even killing people for not belonging to the right sect of your nearly identical religions! You’re hanging on, but only though great use of resources.

Then look at us. We’re all free men and women on this voyage. No-one forced us to join, there are no atrocities to our names, we don’t ram our religion down your throats through TV, marketing, or the state. We could, if we really wanted to, but we don’t. We don’t take to the streets, we don’t ram the airwaves full of our crap and we don’t try to buy politicians to bend the law to our own views. And yet we continue to grow. Maybe only a few hundred each year, or a few thousand, but there are already so many of us its impossible to keep count. Like the process of water on a rock, we will wear you down.

Its even expanding to politics. How many are catching on that the Right, Left and Centre parties are all backed by the same interests, that their only difference is which rights they want to strip from us? And so we continue to grow, the political non-Elucidians, the religiously anti-authoritarian.

The thing is, you will hand it all over to us. We want it all and we are willing to take it. But not just yet. We’ll shock and cause outrage among you, getting onto your networks as something to be vilified, which works out nicely for us, as most smart people have realized by now if your lot don’t like it, then it may just be worth looking at. You’ll do all the real work and hand it over to us on a silver platter. It will only take minimum effort on our part, really.

Your time is over. People aren’t interested in an “all loving” asshole of a deity who does nothing for them and makes their life hell for the smallest of irrational transgressions. Instead, they want to know who messed this place up so much, and who to blame. They want to strike back. Some even want the Truth, something in very short supply thanks to your dogma. Most of all, they want to laugh and to have a religion that doesn’t need severity and hellishly boring rituals, because those things are not only unnecessary but useless too. How many spent their whole life in such austere living, only to die of some terrible disease? To not have their prayer’s answered? Thats not to say Discordians don’t get sick or get their prayer’s answered, but they don’t promise that either.

This is our time and our century. You only live in it because we let you live in it. It might just be worth remembering that, once we move from the ridicule to violent opposition, once you realize we really mean what we say. Because we are the wave of the future, and it would be terrible to have to start using your own tactics on you.

You want an image of the future? Imagine this. A foot, stamping on a cabbage’s head, forever. You better believe it, pal.

A Statement from the Project for a Discordian Century (a PFLD sponsored think tank)

Episkopos Cain

America’s Next Top Discordian

October 31, 2006

Greed, Harpo:53, 6006 YD

Score another one for individuality! The BRAVO! Channel has just announced its next entry into the increasingly saturated reality-tv contest market with it’s newest mid-season replacement: America’s Next Top Discordian, starting January 5, 2007.

Contestants have not been announced at this date, and it is unclear where try-outs were held at this point, but the decidedly unconventional judges panel announced is already raising eyebrows in the Discordian/Erisian/Mummuian/SubGenii community: The three (as yet unconfirmed) judges of the “do-your-own-thing-boldly-loudly-and-hopefully-annoyingly” program are a wheelchair-bound Robert Anton Wilson, drag queen superstar RuPaul Charles, and hopefully taking the Simon Cowell ‘crusty judge’ place in the panel is the founder of the Church Of The SubGenius, Rev. Ivan Stang.

No word at this point about what the winner of the contest would claim as a prize, but reliable rumor is naming the country of Chad as a top contender.

America’s Next Top Discordian will run at Mondays at 9pm EST, and Sunday afternoons at 2pm EST.

Hoopla Blog One Year Anniversery

May 5, 2006

Before I sat down to write this I had so many things I wanted to say, but now they have all slipped away, and I am left with the single fact that one year ago today I began writing this blog.

A year ago I was in the trap many people fall into when first encountering something new – I became a zealot. But, it was misguided; I would end each blog with “Hail Eris” whether I thought it was appropriate or not, I was bound to Fives and Twenty-threes without knowing why each was important, I parroted phrases from others thinking they were my own. It took time to get over this, but it was necessary. A Discordian who does only what others do is not a Discordian at all. Now, I feel the freedom to end with “Hail Eris” when I want, or when I think it is appropriate, but I am not chained to it . . . I use Fives and Twenty-threes, but when I want to, and knowing why each is important. These small differences are enormous.

So many things have changed in the last year, and yet in a strange way, very little has changed at all. My life today is much the same as it was a year ago, but my state of mind is miles away. In this year I have studied not only Discordianism, but general philosophy, general semantics, Crowlian magick, Taoism, Buddhism, Shamanism and the Church of the Subgenius. All of this wonderful bullshit has warped my mind to the point where the only place to go is UP.

So, my plan for the next year:

Today I am beginning the experiments of Crowley in mind-change, meta-programming and illumination; this blog will be used as a diary of the progress I make, in addition to the usual content of looniness and Discordianism. With a little luck my head will explode!

Hail Eris!