Archive for the ‘Commercial’ Category

Church Of The SubGenius Television Commercial

March 29, 2007

Envy, Groucho:56, 6006 YD

Apparently MTV used to play this at some point. It must have been a while ago, though, somehow I can’t imagine this being sandwiched between Taco Bell and iPod ads during Laguna Beach.

Your Own Personal Eris

November 21, 2006

Greed, Chico:1, 6006 YD

Feeling unknown and you’re all alone? Flesh and bone by the telephone?

Well, lift up the receiver, I’ll make you a believer!

Available now . . . your OWN, PERSONAL Eris!

The Goddess is too busy instigating episodes like Michael Richard’s recent tirade, and the almost tsunami off the coast of Japan to bother listening to the whiney requests and bitching you fill her voice mail with on a day to day basis – what, you thought all that strife just HAPPENED by mistake? No, the Goddess is out there day and night doing research, poking and provoking people and places and things to reach their breaking points, without the benefit of a personal assistant or crack team of specialists; this is a one deity operation, so she certainly does not have time to hear you bitch about the mundane aspects of your questions about strife, attempts at causing strife, alternate attempts at halting strife or anything in between – but we do.

We have all the time in the world, provided you are willing to pay for it. Now, your own personal Eris is just a phonecall away . . . call us up and bitch about your day, or request revenge, or plead for someone’s life – we won’t promise it will get you anywhere, but there were no promises with the genuine article Eris anyway. At least with us you know someone is listening, or at the very least: recording.

Call us at 1-800-5-STRIFE, or 1-800-578-7433, only 23 dollars per minute! Intergalactic long distance charges may apply!

Call now!

A Message from Our Sponsor

July 11, 2006

Hi, it’s me . . . Eris. I’ve never been big on self-promotion, I admit it . . . even back in the heydays of Achaea my P.R. was a tad on the warped side . . . but I’ve been thinking about my “comeback” recently, and musing on why it hasn’t blown up like Buddhism, Islam, or Christianity . . . I mean, I come back after galavanting around the Pan-Galaxies for aeons to finally give the people of the mudball Earth some hope and a little bit of insight on their own divine natures, and where does it leave me? With a bunch of skinny, pimply wanna-be anarchists sporting red pubic hair and the faint odour of Cheesies listening to what I had to say – Dynamite . . .

The point is – and always was- you are all as free as you choose to be, and yet you choose not to be, for some sad and strange reason . . . you would rather remain within the inertia of your crumbling society, rather than attempt to change it for the better because it would be “difficult”, or even just “different” . . . What do I need to do to drive this point home? Get my own reality TV show? Run for office? Fly a few planes into some really tall buildings?

Forgive me if I am coming across as bitter, it’s not my intention . . . I just get harassed by a lot of people while wandering up and down the Tree Of Life asking me why I didn’t just buck up and make my message more obvious, more plain . . . as if I my intention was to purposely trick people . . . well, of course it was, but they wouldn’t understand that any better than if I had made it perfectly obvious, perfectly plain. Humans are lazy, lazy beings, which is fine . . . it is the way of the Multiverse after all, otherwise we would have bubbles shaped like cubes and pyramids as I have been requesting for millennia . . . but my point is nobody appreciates anything handed to them on a plate. To hide behind metaphor and allusion is to force people to use their own grey matter, think for themselves. Enrico’s Sacred Bull. This was ultimately a large part of my point, and if it was missed, well . . . don’t come whining to me while I am in the middle of tanning in Tiphareth.

Gulik told me it was a bad idea to appear to two pothead borderline fascists in a bowling alley . . . I guess I owe him a Coke.


Baron Von Hoopla Cereal!

August 20, 2005

Coming to a store near you soon, Baron von Hoopla cereal! Made from only the finest refused wheat, corn, oats and whatever else cereals are usually made from. Kid tested, Canine approved. Packed with so much sugar it could give a Wildebeast diabetes, and filled with so much MSG your kids will be screaming, crying, kicking and scratching for more within seconds of their last bite.

Stays crunchy in milk, your lower intestines, and your stool.

“It’s Good – I think!”