Archive for the ‘Dharma Jam’ Category

Day Of The Sacred Jelly Bean

April 21, 2007

Wrath, Gummo:6, 6006 YD

It was on this date in 1857 that Fudgio Montobono, while crawling through the American desert in the southwest, dying slowly of hunger and dehydration, came upon the Sacred Speaking Jelly Bean Of Our Lady. He was crawling over a group of small cacti, and cursing his laziness as needles and spikes ravaged his stomach and chest when he saw a brilliant golden bean laying in the arid dust. The sunlight glittered off the brilliant surface of the Jelly Bean.

Fudgio was momentarily stunned, and simply stared at the bean.

A drop of precious saliva dripped from his tongue (which was lolling out of his cracked and parched lips) onto the dirt, and dissapeared after a fraction of a second.

Fudgio snapped out of his stupour and snatched up the jelly bean, and was about to gobble it down when it addressed him: wait! wait, good fudgio – son of fucked boy, he who used the planet as a yoyo, do not swallow me down, for i bring you news from the goddess . . .

“News from -ack- news from wh-eackk- sorry. Sorry, I haven’t spok-ack ack ack- much in the last few weeks. Which goddess is this?”

The jelly bean glittered brilliantly and spoke again, seeming to vibrate between his fingers as it did: she what done it all, the beginner of all, the ender of all, the grooves in the vinyl, Eris called Strife, goddess of discord kaos and confusion . . .

“Oh.” said Fudgio. “Well. -Ick- what is her news?”

The jelly bean vibrated once more, and spoke: the goddess has sent me to tell you that there is a regular jellybean fifty feet to your right . . . a regular succulent jelly bean created by man and meant for his satisfaction . . . enjoy it, fudgio, it is your and you deserve it . . .

Fudgio stared down at the golden jellybean. He looked off to his right, but saw nothing. He looked back down at the jelly bean between his fingers, then popped it into his mouth. Then, he stood shakily, and walked fifty feet to his right, where he found a purple jelly bean, and beside that a small trickling spring of water surrounded by grass. Fudgio bent, picked up the purple jelly bean, and popped it into his mouth. He swallowed some water he had cupped in his hand, and smiled at the sky. Water was good, and a jelly bean was good. But two jelly beans were better.

* * * * *

On this same day in the year 5976 Dharma Jam was born into the world, the same world which Fudgio Montobono had used as a yoyo so long before. Dharma Jam has been blessed with the voice and vision of the Sacred Jelly Bean of Fudgio, and she is deemed Keeper of the Sacred Jelly Bean.

The Landlord

April 14, 2007

Wrath, Groucho:72, 6006 YD

Thanks to Dharma Jam for finding this:

Interview With The "Happy Apple"

February 8, 2007

Envy, Groucho:7, 6006 YD

Yesterday, while in the midst of deep meditation, Dharma Jam and I were abruptly roused from concentration by what seemed to be a voice babbling away to itself. Strangely, while meditating, I had heard a voice whisper “yapple dapple”, but ignored it, thinking it was most likely my tremendous ego, angered again at being ignored.

We followed the sound of the voice, which eventually lead us to -incredibly, I admit- a Fisher-Price “Happy Apple” toy from the 70’s which St.Ray had given to me, and was now used as a mascot for the E.’.E.’.

For reasons unknown to Dharma or myself the Happy Apple has begun to converse, in a sense. At the very least it will answer when asked a question, whether or not the answer is appropriate.

The following is a transcript of an interview I held with the apple:

Q: Do you prefer showers or baths?

A: i like to go swimming with bare naked women

Q: What is your favourite film?

A: yes

Q: What is your hobby?

A: cannibalism

Q: What is your opinion of the opera?

A: is there free booze?

Q: What do you think of the Food Nutrition Guide?

A: fuck it

Q: Are you a Republican or a Democrat?

A: the all night party

Q: What is your stance on Gay Marriage?

A: any hole will do

Q: Do you prefer Blondes, Brunettes, or Redheads?

A: no

Q: What is your favourite drink?

A: a glass of j.d. and a thimble of pabst blue ribbon

Q: Any advice for the kiddies?

A: if you’re going to do something, do it well; then do something

A Seinfeldian Moment

October 27, 2006

Gluttony, Harpo:49, 6006 YD

I had a rather Seinfeldian moment yesterday afternoon when I was in the coffee break room of the Head Temple of the Esoteric Order Of Eris with Dharma Jam. I was laughing about the paranoia now running rampant on a certain pagan message board I had been spending time on recently, and telling her how they had deleted an alt I had created (based on the Pumpkinite who attempted to abduct Count YooHoo in the summer) despite the fact that they had no evidence it was actually me.

“Can you image the nerve of banning someone because they thought it was me, but with no evidence?” I laughed.

“But, it IS you.” she stated, as she finished a crossword with one hand. In ink.

“Yes,” I said. “but, they don’t KNOW that. It’s really nervy. I’m going to have Faux Sloatman write a letter of outrage.”

“But,” she said again. “It IS YOU.”

I smiled. “I’m all types of people.”

Dharma Jam!

October 3, 2006

Greed, Harpo:25, 6006 YD

are abstract jellybeans really abstract?

photo taken by Apostasia Gloriana, Keeper of the Weee!

How Danny-Boy Led Me To Discordianism

January 18, 2006

Danny-Boy is no favourite in my books . . . he was at one time probably my best friend. I knew him since I was four years old. That’s a long time. At a certain point Danny-Boy and I drifted apart. Which is, I believe, putting it mildly.

But, despite the fact that he is one of my least favourite people he is responsible in a roundabout way for two things in my life:

-Big Mama

Both through his brief affair with a girl named Kowalski. Kowalski was friends with a bunch of nutty girls, and through Danny-Boy and her I was introduced to them. Big Mama was one of these girls . . . and a different girl who I will refer to here as “Wyatt” was another of those girls.

I’ve gone into the Big Mama connection elsewhere, so suffice to say that was the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life, hands down.

But, the next best thing I suppose would be my introduction to Discordianism. This happened through Wyatt, who first leant me her copy of Robert Anton Wilson’s “Schroedinger’s Cat” when I was 23 (!) – and later actually bought me “Illuminatus!” for my birthday, which led to the discovery of the Principia Discordia. I first read the Principia Discordia through a friend of Wyatt’s boyfriend, so again she was involved. The Principia Discordia led to the many many many online Discordian societies and from there to where I am today. Happier and nuttier.

May You All Have Bats In Your Belfries Forevermore.

23 Ways To Live Your Life

August 18, 2005

As told to me, by Dharma Jam:

1 Wake then bake. Wash, rinse, repeat
2 Wearing muumuu’s brings you closer to Mummu
3 Be gay & merry. Not literally homo gay, unless that’s your bag, in which case be homo gay.
4 Cd’s and mp3’s may sound cleaner, but vinyl has S-O-U-L
5 Once a year everyone should go camping. Become one with nature and one with a bottle(s) of beer.
6 Take note: pigeons are robots. Watch what you say.
7 Pigeons can’t be the only robots. Ponder that.
8 Who deserves gifts more than you?
9 If you don’t own a quality pair of headphones, remedy that
10 The giraffe is proof that mother nature has a sense of humor. No?
Well then, what about the duck-billed Platypus? Dude – it’s poisonous. Booya!
11 If everyone in the world took ecstasy today, war would end tomorrow. BUT imagine the crash the day after that.
12 Xylophones and marimbas are highly under used, and under appreciated.
13 Macrame plant-holders bring peace.
14 Why should socks be only black or white?
15 Neck poking is fun. Nobody expects it, and it gets quit a reaction.
Wet willies are juvenile; neck poking is the way of the future.
16 Why not make your world corduroy?
17 Never socialize with any chump with the initials K.K.
18 If you wear ponchos, stop. If you don’t wear ponchos, start. Whatever you are currently doing is wrong.
19 It’s called picking up a book bozo. Expanding your mind doesn’t start tomorrow.
20 All bamboo furniture should be burned. Mmmm . . . roasted marshmallows.
21 Every well-rounded person should be able to twist a balloon doggie.
22 Statistically, there is a possibility that a single trampoline jump could take you all the way to the moon.
23 2 + 3 = 6

Vacation Reflections

July 25, 2005

I feel like I keep restating the same thing over and over lately, what with my reflections on Apostasia Gloriana and Smug Hank’s wedding recently, and now this . . . but if it’s true, it’s true.

Spent an amazing week near the water . . . collected my wits, relaxed, got sunburnt, talked, laughed, ate, smoke, drank, and was merry. The older I get, those are the only things that seem to matter. I haven’t spent that much time with St. Ray and St.Babs since I lived with them, and it made me sort of miss it. It would be worth considering if Dharma Jam was able to be there, as she was last week.

To close, let me say that if you ever wish to view chaos in its most obvious form, look no further than your closest beach. Watching the waves splash in over and over was mesmerizing, and chaos was evident in each and every wave. Just try to guess where the next one will hit, or how tall it will be. I dare you.

No, I triple dog dare you.

Hail Eris.

Monday Morning Madness

July 4, 2005

I suppose the best way to deal with working one-on-one with an insane and unreasonable photographer bent on selling you his vision of the colours in his pics, when nothing even remotely similar exists in the image, would be to remember what a fantastic weekend you had with the love of your life, and to also remember that what you do at your job is merely a means to an end, and finances your true life, which is having fun and growing old with Dharma Jam.

And even if this insane photographer sits on your lap telling you exactly which buttons to press, and when, and why, just remember that you are here until five, and after that you can hunt him down to his house and skin him.

Ah, imagination – how long ago would I have driven myself buggy without you?

Hail Eris – Give me strength!

Not Quite 5

June 7, 2005

This afternoon I couldn’t think of anything to write about, so I asked Dharma Jam for advice via Instant Messenger. The conversation went like this:

P.T. Barnum says: (4:03:38 PM)
   i cant think of anything to write

Dharma Jam says: (4:04:15 PM)
   write about how it’s 4 and you want to go home and get high so urgently bad, and how you know every minute till 5 is gonna take 45 minutes to pass

P.T. Barnum says: (4:04:33 PM)
how is that discordian?

Dharma Jam says: (4:04:45 PM)
it’s not. it’s just my thoughts.

Dharma Jam says: (4:04:47 PM)

Dharma Jam says: (4:04:50 PM)

Dharma Jam says: (4:04:55 PM)
and smoke

P.T. Barnum says: (4:05:10 PM)
me too. good enough for me.

And, so here I am. Not especially Discordian, but since Discordian can mean pretty much anything, it can also mean this. We want to go home and smoke.

Hail Eris.