Archive for the ‘Dianetics’ Category

A Weekend Lecture On Kabbalah

July 17, 2006

Ramses Colossus, of the Hermes Trismegistus Cabal of the Illuminati, invited me over the weekend to a seminar for the Kabbalah Center, the group Madonna has famously championed up until fairly recently. I don’t have much to report, really . . . the temperature in the building was probably three degrees below five hundred, which I found odd; the exorbitant fees the group demands seems to indicate that their pockets are deep enough for central air, or at the very very least, a cheap window air-conditioner . . . a few minutes into the speeches I was finding it difficult to remain stationary, as there was a inch-thick slick of sweat between the fold-up chair and my ass cheeks.

When a gentleman to my right asked the speaker whether it was preferable to remain ‘chaste’ throughout life (which he helpfully explained to the crowd meant ‘to remain a virgin’) Ramses decided it was time that we retire to the back of the building to enlighten ourselves. It was, of course, twenty-three degrees cooler outside than it was inside, but then again outside I wasn’t pressed between fat smelly plants pretending to be curious potential customers. Ramses’ enlightenment recipe? One part ’13’, one part crysophrasya, one part embalming fluid: do NOT attempt to work heavy machinery, or compose heavy poetry under any circumstances!

While we were outside enlightening, and giggling about the virgin (wondering if he was a plant too, or just an poor unfortunate bastard who had little to no concept of group social interactions) we were interupted by a homeless person, or what appeared to be a homeless person, enquiring into what form of illumination was being practiced inside the building . . . I responded: “Dianetics”, while Ramses (always on his toes) answered “Tea-Leaf Reading, from the Modern Male Witch Phallic Perspective”. The possibly homeless person nodded sagely, then asked if the type of illumination we were receiving was on the agenda, Ramses answered “No,” and included him in the circle. I chatted with him briefly about the Sacred Chao, and explained the Pental and the Pomal therein, which he compared with his own concepts of the “tonal” and the “nagual”, concepts not unfamiliar to the Baron. As the “maybe yes / maybe no” homeless person separated from the two of us to make his way into the oven known as the Kaballah Center, Ramses asked if I knew who that was. I admitted that I did not.

“Well, I may be right or I may be wrong, but someone can sacrifice my left nut to Chorozon if that wasn’t Mr. Carlos Castaneda.” he laughed.

“I thought he was dead . . .” I responded.

“So did he,” Ramses answered cryptically.

A shiver ran down my spine, maybe from the strangeness of the incident, or possibly from the combination of the crysophrasya and the embalming fluid – who can say?

Carlos -if you are out there- did it turn out in the lecture that it WAS preferable to remain ‘chaste’? I’m dying to know.

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The Church Of Scientology

May 2, 2006

The Church Of Scientology has been taking a lot of flack lately, and I’m getting the impression they are wondering why. This is my take on why I think they are being persecuted.

First, before we go any further, allow me state that I find Scientology highly suspect, but on the other hand I find all organized religion to be highly suspect, so I try to keep an open mind about all of them, Scientology included. I used to make fun of the wacky ideas of Xenu and the thousands of thetans we all apparently are filled to the brink with, but over the last year I’ve noticed that all this ‘information’ about Scientology I had been making fun of was found on the internet, nowhere else – not exactly the best place to find unbiased objective information; so, I decided that until I found out more about the actual inner-workings of the Church there was no need to make fun.

However, having said that, here is why I believe people mock Scientology so much: because they all take it so badly. It’s like the kid in school who, when poked with a stick, would erupt into a crying tantrum and beat the ground with feet and fists. It’s funny to see someone freak out, and nobody freaks out faster and louder than the Church of Scientology.

As if that weren’t enough, there is the massive secrecy. The Church of Scientology has all its religious paraphernalia copyrighted, and simply depicting an E-Meter, or some other device, in most publications without permission is enough to have a large lawsuit dropped onto your lap by the Church. Don’t expect any University courses to be delving into the theology of Dianetics and Scientology any time soon.

L. Ron Hubbard was, by most accounts, an extremely paranoid man, and this has filtered into the very foundations of the Church he started; secrecy is part of the foundation of Scientology . . . need an example? Apart from the admittedly suspect info found about Xenu and Thetans on the internet most people cannot even name a single aspect of the Scientology ‘religion’ – is there any actual religion, or is it simply a philosophy? I can tell people at least a bit about Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Taoism, Catholicism, and a few other religions . . . but what do I really know about Scientology? That the births are silent? That’s not a lot to go on.

So, Scientology, I urge you, if you don’t want to be treated like a massive cult anymore, its high time you stopped acting like a massive cult.