Archive for the ‘Dionysus’ Category

Count YooHoo Amongst The Pumpkinites

August 22, 2006


Your hunch was correct, I have successfully infiltrated a Pumpkinite sect in Akron, Ohio – prime pumpkin land, and believe me, these Pumpkinites are truly rabid motherfuckers.

I got in with this sect in mid-July, through the female who went by the handle “Faux Sloatman”, and yes, as you suspected, she took her title from Frank Zappa’s wife’s name, although why is still beyond my understanding.

This is all much, much stranger than you or I ever suspected initially, these Pumpkinites do acknowledge Charles Shultz’s version of the Great Pumpkin, but they don’t admit to having derived the concept from him (as I had theorized) they claim Schultz was a high-ranking Pumpkinite who cleverly disguised their teachings into his work – of course, I find this highly suspect, after all, saying that the Great Pumpkin was hidden in Schultz’s work is like claiming that the Kabbalah was hidden on Sesame Street. No dice.

But, I have managed to learn quite a bit in my short time here, like their berserk claim that the Great Pumpkin dates back to ancient Egypt, and was the original Osiris. I came very close to blowing my cover when that admission was leaked to me, thankfully your training in the Deadpan Technique kicked in, and I was able to maintain my composure.

I have to admit, though, that their story almost convinces me in a strange way, think about it Hoopla, Osiris is a vegetation god who dies each year only to be resurrected the following year . . . “Sure, sure” I can almost hear you mocking in that strange nasal voice of yours, but think about this: The winged globe of Hadit, does it not eerily resemble a pumpkin with wings? And, what pumpkin would have wings other than that grandiose god of the gourds? Answer me that Hoopla, answer me that! You can’t! The real question, my dear Baron, is whether this will be the year that the venerated vegetable king will finally, finally make his appearance to his dedicated subjects . . . Too long have the followers of the prophet Linus been disappointed by the long wait on the autumn equinox for that magnificent seventeen foot tall redeemer to show himself, but still, but still Hoopla, consider this: Of all the vegetation gods, who reflects the weakest of the lot? Dionysus? Hardly, each year his followers (and they are legion, you better believe it) pluck his promise from the vines, grape by glorious grape; Demeter? Not even close, year after year worldwide crops of grain are harvested for the benefit of millions; Our Great -nay!- GRAND Pumpkin? Ha! Each year crowds upon crowds line up to take home their individual orange globes in anticipation of carving our leader’s face into the flesh, sitting close to the television to hear the words of the prophet from his own lips . . . no, no, no, the truly disappointing vegetation god is of course Yeshu ben Yosef the Galilee stone mason who now dominates the world under the moniker Jesus the Christ, who never comes back as he promised, and doesn’t even have the compassion to leave a vegetable in his place – but not for long, good Baron, not for long, soon the Great Pumpkin will usurp his place on the throne of the multitudes, and on that wondrous day it will mean Pumpkin Pie for all, my friend, FOR ALL!

The only question worth asking at this point is: QUO MODO LONGE, MAGNA CUCURBITA, QUO MODO LONGE?

-Count YooHoo, K.S.C., S.H., H.M.
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Van Vliet Cabal

PS: When are you coming to visit?

Interview With Eris

February 7, 2006

BARON VON HOOPLA: I am very happy to be interviewing today the Goddess of Chaos, Confusion, Calamity, and dinky cars: Eris Nancy Discordia. Welcome, Eris.


BVH: Eris, doing my research I found that there weren’t really a lot of ancient legends which depicted you. In fact, I could only find two. Why do you think that was?

END: I could put the blame on Athena or Aphrodite, but we all know the real blame goes on Pan. He got all the gods and goddesses to convince the Greeks that my stories were too fascinating and witty, so they destroyed all copies. Eventually only a couple Bazooka Joe comics were left discarded in Dionysus’s temple which depicted the two legends now available.

BVH: Seriously?

END: Nope.

BVH: Ah, right. Ok, do you think it has anything to do with Gregory Hill and Kerry Thornley’s idea that the Greeks had a warped idea of what Discord is?

END: No, they knew exactly what Discord was; they just didn’t like it.

BVH: Seriously?

END: Maybe.

BVH: Ok. There is a lot of arguing with modern Discordians as to whether or not what you are currently representing is true Discordianism. Some think that modern Discordianism is all clowns and roller-coasters instead of violence and bloodshed and rioting. Which is true?

END: You’re still caught up on true? The problem is that you all think there is a difference. Comedy is Discordianism because it is discordant. Comedy ruffles feathers. And besides, all the other stuff which you describe as violence and bloodshed is always funny to someone. I see no better symbol for Discordianism than a roller-coaster derailing.

BVH: What about the enormous disasters which have been plaguing the world in the last few years?

END: What about them?

BVH: Well, I see a lot of Discordians reacting to the disasters in a rather negative way . . . it seems almost like a lot of them forget that the disasters are pretty much Discord in action.

END: What do you expect? A party?

BVH: No, but it seems strange to me that people who consider themselves followers of Discord being upset or surprised by these disasters.

END: People will always be dismayed by large displays of Discord, if only because humans are naturally adverse to change of any sort. I see no reason why a so-called Discordian should embrace disasters; acknowledging that they are natural and necessary is much more than most others ever do.

BVH: Many consider the central lesson of the Principia Discordia to be that we are truly free; but there are some who seem to take this lesson as permission to act like a completely selfish prick, do you regret that lesson now?

END: First, it wasn’t my lesson; it was Mal2’s filtered through Greg Hill’s brain. I just gave Mal2 the idea. At any rate, those who take the lesson as permission to be a selfish prick are at best being lazy, and at worst being intentionally deceptive. The freedom is freedom from your standard conventions. For example, paper is a reality, would you agree?

BVH: Yes.

END: And printing presses are a reality. BUT, and here is the important part, money is a social fiction. You are enslaved by money only if you choose to be.

BVH: But, isn’t the only way not to be enslaved by money to be homeless or to move to a deserted island.

END: That is not for me to say. That’s where the freedom enters into the picture. You are only repressed by your own mind.

BVH: What acts of Discord are you most proud of?

END: When frozen shit from airplanes falls from the sky to crush people. It’s lowbrow, but it gives me fits of giggles.

BVH: And what pisses you off most?

END: The depiction of me on the television show Xena. I’m still thinking of a really good vindictive way to smite the people who created and worked on that show. Look forward to the ‘Curse Of Xena’ soon.

BVH: Speaking of Xena, that reminds me of Hercules, which reminds me of the only other legend I could find about you, it concerned a conversation you had with Heracles. It seems that you offered him to travel down your path and lead a life of strife and struggle, or he could go down the path of Sloth and lead an easy and lazy life. He picked the path of Eris. Why do you think that is?

END: You already know the answer to that question.

BVH: True. Well, I thank you for the opportunity to let me ask you these questions. Anything else you want to add before we finish?

END: I just wanted to say hi to Athena and Aphrodite, and ask them to ponder how many followers they still have these days.

BVH: There you have it folks, Eris Nancy Discordia, still petty after all these years.