Archive for the ‘Facts of Life’ Category

Official Illuminati Correspondence

June 25, 2006

FROM: Ramses Colossus,
Quinti-Primi Illuminati, Hermes Trismegistus Cabal

TO: Baron von Hoopla, KSC
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Kaufman Kabal

Dear BVH,

In response to your querie, may I just say that you grant us altogether too much credit. We haven’t had a single thing to do with the direction of world affairs since before WWI . . . Surely you realize who now runs North America, I’ve guessed as much from reading your log: Oprah Winfrey. She has been running everything since she took over from Phil Donahue when he achieved transendental illumination and became the Alchemical Hermaphrodite, his vocation was perfect for the invocation . . . Hermes the messenger, mixed with Aphrodite the goddess of femininity.

And, regarding Oprah’s qualifications for leadership, need I say more than:

O=800 P=80 R=100 A=1 H=5 =986 9+8+6=23 = 5

Spooky, no?

Anyhoo, World politics have become so tedious after time; we now prefer to amuse ourselves in smaller, more humorous ways, such as:

We have coded the 64 aspects of the human psyche into the Mr. Men children’s books series. As children read through the series they will intuitively learn to realize that the human psyche is not a continuous stream of consciousness, but instead vastly different facets of a wider hallway of reality. These 64 aspects coincide, of course, with the more broad and esoteric aspects of Leary’s 8-Circuit model, the 64 hexagrams of the I-Ching, and naturally the 64 squares of the chess board.

Hiding the 5 Elements of Nature in the television series the Facts of Life: Fire being represented by fiery Joe Polniaczek,the creative and wiley leader; Water represented by Blair Warner, the opposite of Joe, the Venus love goddess type; Air being represented by loudmouth Tootie Ramsey, the gossip; Earth being represented, naturally by Natalie Green, the pragmatic, down to earth smartass. The Fifth Quint-Essence is represented by Mrs. Edna Garrett who brings all the 4 qualities of the girls into logical union. She is the final outcome.

Another project -which has been transpiring over the past three decades- has been the publishing of books completely blank. It began slowly at first, with blank books on accounting and quilting, but in the last two decades we have moved on to works of literature; James Joyce’s Ulysses has been printed blank since 1995, and Thomas Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow has been printed blank since 1982 – nobody has noticed yet. We had several plans set up for when books were returned angrily by the public demanding explanation, but up until the present time has never become an issue. Other blank books are The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood; Beautiful Losers, by Leonard Cohen; The Golden Bough, by Sir James George Frazer and Star: A Novel, by Pamela Anderson.

Another minor ongoing project (strictly my own) has been the development of the Simpson sisters, Jessica and Ashlee. It’s been an amusing ride, since in the beginning Jessica was intended as a straight-out clone of the formerly wildly popular Britney Spears, but has since eclipsed Brit, and is now a fully functional Illuminati puppet. That’s not the interesting part, though, since most celebrities are Illuminati puppets . . . the truly fantastic part is that in the last few months I have been slowly turning the two sisters into one person. If they seem confused by the questions about their plastic surgery in the media recently, there is a perfectly good explanation: THEY DON’T KNOW ABOUT IT! Stay tuned, it’s only going to get better . . . wait until they release the same single on the same day!

Anyway, I’ve blabbed on to you enough . . . tell me, do you still have that wonderful Mayor Mel you set up as leader in Hogtown? I can’t believe people actually bought him as a serious candidate, let alone actual winner – that almost beats old “W” down here . . . Keep Laughing!


Muses On The London Bombings

July 13, 2005

Today, while reading about the London bombings, I began to consider that for those of us fortunate enough to live in the West there may be a benefit to the terrorism of recent years; namely that it has forced us to awaken somewhat from the idealistic Norman Rockwell small town mindset that is hammered into our brains from the day we are born.

We have been raised to believe that “our” world is a peaceful one, where bombings and death happen on television, or in the movies, not to us. Wars come to us through a tiny screen, we’re told they are happening ‘somewhere else’ . . . one of those places where wars happen . . . but to many (myself included) these wars don’t hold the weight of our reality; the guns don’t even sound ‘real’ like they do in our war movies, the blood isn’t red like in our war movies, and where’s the love story?

September Eleventh sliced through our layer of protection, but not completely. Even then, myself and most people I knew watched the horror huddled around tiny television screens and described the events as being ‘like something from a movie’. These events still had no bearing on our lives, we had nothing to compare the situation with in our lifetimes except for Hollywood entertainment.

We have been shielded from the realities of our world. The fact is terrible things happen everyday all over our world to both the innocent and the not-so-innocent, making no distinction between the two. Nature has no morals or ethics. We decide to name certain events as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, but in an objective reality there are simply events.

Taoism teaches us to watch nature to see how we should try to live, because nature is as close to perfect as we are ever likely to witness; it’s been doing fine since before we were around, and will do just fine after we are gone. To witness nature in its truest form people need go no further than your closest toddler, as they are still unshaped by our conventions, and as a result often act in a manner we find barbaric. Watch about five toddlers play almost unsupervised sometime, and see how they treat one another. That, my brothers and sisters, is true nature.

The world is a scary, vicious, beautiful and funny place. Sometimes we tend to forget about the ‘scary vicious’ part. People in most of the rest of the world don’t have that luxury.

It’s not often that quoting songs written by Alan Thicke are relevant in something written about terrorism, but in this case the first few lines of the theme song to the Facts of Life seem to fit:

You take the good / You take the bad;
You take them both, and there you have,
The Facts of Life . . .

Hail Eris. All Hail Discordia.