Archive for the ‘Illuminati’ Category

St.Groucho Day

February 6, 2007

Greed, Groucho:5, 6006 YD

On this Fifth day of the month of Groucho, we again celebrate the life and legacy of St.Groucho Marx.

The middle brother of the five Marx Brothers, St.Groucho was originally born “Orange” Julius Henry Marx, but, like his other brothers, named himself after a month of the Discordian calendar his uncle Al Shean (of noted vaudeville act “Gallagher and Shean”) introduced the five boys to at an early age. It was at this point that Julius adopted the earlier nickname of “Orange” due to his strange devotion to the goddess, and his considering the modern “Orange” fruit to be a more likely representation of the ‘golden apple’ of legend.

Early on in his career St.Groucho adopted an ethnic German accent for his on-stage character, but once friction between his Discordian Cabal and the Bavarian Illuminati erupted he abandoned the accent and adopted the fast-talking wise guy character he would make later make famous, basing the characterization on a friend of his Uncle Al’s named Coleslaw, the same man Warner Brothers later based the character of Bugs Bunny on.

St.Groucho’s son, Arthur, published a brief account of an incident when Arthur was a child: The family was going through airport customs, and while filling out a form, St.Groucho listed his name as “Julius Henry Marx” and his occupation as “smuggler.” Needless to say, chaos ensued.

By the Gregorian calendar he was born on the 2nd day of October 1890, and died on the 19th day of August 1977.

Hail Eris – All Hail St.Groucho


January 29, 2007

Pride, Chico:70, 6006 YD

FROM: Ramses Colossus,
Quinti-Primi Illuminati, Hermes Trismegistus Cabal

TO: Baron von Hoopla, KSC
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Kaufman Kabal

In response to your recent query, yes, you are correct to doubt the authenticity of the video you saw, purporting to show the hanging of Saddam Hussein, it was in fact a fake. It was not really Saddam who hanged, but was instead what we in the Invisible College refer to as a “lookey-likey”.

Perhaps you have heard of the mid-90’s American film entitled Face Off?
The plot here is remarkably similar. Saddam Hussein was smuggled into the USA in 2004 CE and has his face switched with “comedian” Andy Dick, while Andy Dick had his face switched with Hussein’s, then was stuffed into the “spider hole” in Iraq. So, if Andy Dick seems to have been acting slightly erratically lately, now you know why.

And yes, it was Andy Dick who was hanged. No harm no foul, eh Hoops?

Here’s a tidbit for you and your imaginary readers: The man who funded Saddam’s smuggling into the USA is a “lookey-like” himself . . . He was the man known to the world as Comte de St. Germain; he was the man some knew as Giuseppe Balsamo, but was better known as Count Cagliostro; he told Edgar Allen Poe that his name was Arthur Gordon Pym; some knew him as Indian Prince Dakkar, the basis for Captain Nemo; he was the inventor of the enormous airships spotted in the skies all over North America in the second half of the Nineteenth Century; he got Charles Fort interested in the paranormal; he taught Harry Houdini everything he knew; he invented rock n roll in 1948; he staged the Roswell Incident, and then headed the MJ-12 investigation into the same incident; he was the man with the umbrella at the JFK Assassination; he convinced Bob Dylan to go electric; he turned Charlie Manson onto LSD; he introduced Timothy Leary to the 8-Circuit Model of Human Consciousness; he telepathically contacted both Philip K. Dick and
Robert Anton Wilson; he introduced Pierre Plantard to the concept of the Priory of Sion; he invented both Disco and Punk Music; he trained the rabid mutant amphibious rabbit which attacked President Jimmy Carter; he told Carlos Castenada that his name was Don Juan Matus; he convinced George Lucas to make Howard the Duck; and then in 1990, when an almost unknown actor decided to kill himself after being fired from the American sitcom Roseanne he took the man’s face, and assumed his life, in a desire to live a relaxing, life of luxury . . . that man? None other than George Clooney. Of course, his real name is WiseAss Pomal Coleslaw



Goddess Bless You, Mr. Wilson!

January 3, 2007

Lust, Chico:44, 6006 YD

Thanks to Smug Hank, the Baron now holds in his grubby paws a copy of the long sought after, but never found “Masks Of The Illuminati” by Robert Anton Wilson. I’m maybe half way through at the moment, and so far seems to be one of his best – I certainly wish I had gotten ahold of this little book around this time last year, so that I could have saved myself the trouble of all that GD nonsense . . . the book is packed with tidbits to ponder and chew on.

If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.

Disappearance Day

December 5, 2006

Greed, Chico:15, 6006 YD

The fifteenth day of Chico is Disappearance Day, in memory of the many disappearances recorded on this date. First in the records of the E.’.E.’. is the disappearance of the 14 members of the crew of the Mary Celeste, which was found floating abandoned on the fifteenth of Chico 5872 YD; regular readers of ‘Hoopla!’ won’t need to be reminded that 14 easily adds up to that magic five, natch. While the disappearance went largely unanswered to the public it is a matter of record here in the halls of the E.’.E.’. that the crew simultaneously reached Samedi, then moved out of this reality on a higher vibration of consciousness – I’m still uncertain as to what exactly would constitute a vibration of consciousness, but life is a journey, not a destination, I have time to figure it out.

Also on this date, but in the year of 5945: five -yes, five- TBM Avenger Torpedo Bombers stationed in Fort Lauderdale Florida vanished from the skies in perfect flying weather in the area more commonly known today as the Bermuda Triangle. The Martin Mariner PBM flying boat which went out to investigate also disappeared. No mention in my files as to whether or not any forms of illumination transpired on these occasions. The Baron will look more deeply into the matter and report back at a later date.

Not quite confirmed, but Ramses Colossus of the Illuminati confided in the Baron on the weekend that the fifteenth of Chico is also when Ambrose Bierce vanished in the Mexico desert in 5913. This may or may not be true, but readers of ‘Hoopla’ would be wise to take anything Mr. Colossus says with something akin to a salt lick.

Google/YouTube Bans "Pyramids of the Illuminati"

November 23, 2006

Envy, Chico:3, 6006 YD

For the record, this is not my video, and I had nothing to do with it’s creation. I merely add it here due to its supposed connections to Discordianism and Illuminatism.

I strongly suspect that the makers of the video aren’t Discordian as they claim, however I could be wrong. I’ve yet to come across a single person who identifies themself as Discordian who uses terms like “filthy porn” or “commie” with a straight face; of course, having said that, people (and Discordians) come in all shapes, sizes, and mentalities – not only that, I certainly haven’t met all the Discordians in the world, so who knows? If they are Discordian I think they could use some brushing up on their E-Prime.

At any rate, here is the video if you are interested in viewing it. You might want to turn down the volume on your speakers – I found the music completely putrescent, and I think it shaved a few days off my life. You’ve been warned.

-Baron von Hoopla

Official Illuminati Correspondence?

October 30, 2006

Pride, Harpo:52, 6006 YD

To Hoopla:


We have been monitoring your weblog for a long period of time, and feel it necessary to let you know that whomever is conversing with you under the moniker of the Illuminati is lying to you. There is only one Illuminati. There is nobody in our ranks with the name Ramses Colossus. So, unless you are writing the letters yourself you are being lied to.

The New World Order is a reality. It is being implemented slowly as I type this.

9/11 was just the first obvious step, there were several trials in the past which were successful.

Humanity has become much more ‘cabbagized’ than any of you ‘discordians’ even realize. Television was introduced to the public when it was realized how easily it induced a trance-state. The population of the world is being beamed the plans for our future one-world government at all times, in all programs.

Flying saucers are just the beginning.

Look to the stars.

Look to the rising sun.

We are everywhere.

Pay no attention to correspondences from others claiming to be the Illuminated Seers.

Pay very close attention to everything.


Illuminati End Of The World Projects

October 11, 2006

Lust, Harpo:33, 6006 YD

FROM: Ramses Colossus,
Quinti-Primi Illuminati, Hermes Trismegistus Cabal

TO: Baron von Hoopla, KSC
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Kaufman Kabal


As we discussed at the zoo the other day, our plans for bringing about the End Of The World have been in motion for many years now. As I’m sure you are aware there are two lessons to any story, the obvious exoteric lesson, and the less obvious esoteric lesson. In regards to the End Of The World idea, consider the esoteric idea underneath the obvious, and it will become more clear. I’m talking about Revolution Of The Mind, Hoops. Of course, nothing of the sort has happened yet, but we’re making progress.

You will -of course- remember in an earlier memo when I mentioned that we had been printing books blank, well that was simply the whipped cream on the pumpkin pie that mama made which nobody wants to eat because its so perfect it looks like it should be in magazine ad . . . in other words, nothing.

Here’s some of what we’ve been working on:

-In 1963 we completely altered all sex education courses in North America, deleting any references to how noses and eyebrows also grow at puberty. This small change has resulted in more anti-social behavior than violent TV, video games or hip hop music combined. So far nobody has put it together.

-Bendy Straws. Not a single one has worked since 1982. This of course renders the straw completely useless. This one is subtle, but has profound effects. Have you noticed the rising state of anger in children during the last decade or so? Blame the straws. Of course, this is currently nothing. There’s always a second act – wait until 2010 when ONLY bendy straws will be manufactured.

-We introduced Family Fued in late 1976 in an attempt to push the idea of herd mentality over the cliff, but even we were surprised by the zeal the public showed in attempting to be just like everyone else. In retrospect, this could be because we went with our softer title, which encouraged competition, instead of our original choice which we eventually deemed too obvious: “Be Like Me”. Live and learn.

-Since the invention of the bikini bathing suit in 1946 we have been changing the way doctors are taught to cut umbilical cords, thereby subtly deforming the appearance of the average belly button over time in North America. Grotesque bellybuttons undermine a society’s sense of self worth, but of course only if they are always visible, so once belly button esthetics reached an all-time low we introduced the fad of the bellytop. Self esteem and IQ levels plummeted across the continent – but wait until 2009, when the male bellytop fad is introduced. PANDEMONIUM!

There’s more of course, but I’m pressed for time, being a very busy man. I can’t say much about the project I am currently working on, but I can say that it involves the S Club 7 and Outer Space. Chew on that!



PS: Concerning that Christopher Lee comment I happen to think I look more like Frank Langella, and sound more like Orson Welles.

. . . While We’re Talking About Paganism . . .

September 5, 2006

Over the weekend I had the pleasure of viewing the 1973 original version of “The Wicker Man” starring Christopher Lee (who I now realize looks and sounds supiciously like my Illuminati contact Ramses Colossus) . . . it was wonderfully bizarre, and I highly enjoyed the experience. Not enough thrillers take the time to entertain us with music anymore, which is a shame, because I always say: Ranagazoo! Let’s have a tune!

What really tickled me, though, was the final scene where the “King For A Day” begins to rant and rave against the so-called pagans with the ‘true word’ of Christianity to the point of nearly foaming at the mouth; I’m not certain if it was the intention of the filmmakers, but they succeeded in making Christianity seem even more pagan than the neo-druish folks of the film, who copulate in open fields.


Official Illuminati Correspondence

June 25, 2006

FROM: Ramses Colossus,
Quinti-Primi Illuminati, Hermes Trismegistus Cabal

TO: Baron von Hoopla, KSC
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Kaufman Kabal

Dear BVH,

In response to your querie, may I just say that you grant us altogether too much credit. We haven’t had a single thing to do with the direction of world affairs since before WWI . . . Surely you realize who now runs North America, I’ve guessed as much from reading your log: Oprah Winfrey. She has been running everything since she took over from Phil Donahue when he achieved transendental illumination and became the Alchemical Hermaphrodite, his vocation was perfect for the invocation . . . Hermes the messenger, mixed with Aphrodite the goddess of femininity.

And, regarding Oprah’s qualifications for leadership, need I say more than:

O=800 P=80 R=100 A=1 H=5 =986 9+8+6=23 = 5

Spooky, no?

Anyhoo, World politics have become so tedious after time; we now prefer to amuse ourselves in smaller, more humorous ways, such as:

We have coded the 64 aspects of the human psyche into the Mr. Men children’s books series. As children read through the series they will intuitively learn to realize that the human psyche is not a continuous stream of consciousness, but instead vastly different facets of a wider hallway of reality. These 64 aspects coincide, of course, with the more broad and esoteric aspects of Leary’s 8-Circuit model, the 64 hexagrams of the I-Ching, and naturally the 64 squares of the chess board.

Hiding the 5 Elements of Nature in the television series the Facts of Life: Fire being represented by fiery Joe Polniaczek,the creative and wiley leader; Water represented by Blair Warner, the opposite of Joe, the Venus love goddess type; Air being represented by loudmouth Tootie Ramsey, the gossip; Earth being represented, naturally by Natalie Green, the pragmatic, down to earth smartass. The Fifth Quint-Essence is represented by Mrs. Edna Garrett who brings all the 4 qualities of the girls into logical union. She is the final outcome.

Another project -which has been transpiring over the past three decades- has been the publishing of books completely blank. It began slowly at first, with blank books on accounting and quilting, but in the last two decades we have moved on to works of literature; James Joyce’s Ulysses has been printed blank since 1995, and Thomas Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow has been printed blank since 1982 – nobody has noticed yet. We had several plans set up for when books were returned angrily by the public demanding explanation, but up until the present time has never become an issue. Other blank books are The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood; Beautiful Losers, by Leonard Cohen; The Golden Bough, by Sir James George Frazer and Star: A Novel, by Pamela Anderson.

Another minor ongoing project (strictly my own) has been the development of the Simpson sisters, Jessica and Ashlee. It’s been an amusing ride, since in the beginning Jessica was intended as a straight-out clone of the formerly wildly popular Britney Spears, but has since eclipsed Brit, and is now a fully functional Illuminati puppet. That’s not the interesting part, though, since most celebrities are Illuminati puppets . . . the truly fantastic part is that in the last few months I have been slowly turning the two sisters into one person. If they seem confused by the questions about their plastic surgery in the media recently, there is a perfectly good explanation: THEY DON’T KNOW ABOUT IT! Stay tuned, it’s only going to get better . . . wait until they release the same single on the same day!

Anyway, I’ve blabbed on to you enough . . . tell me, do you still have that wonderful Mayor Mel you set up as leader in Hogtown? I can’t believe people actually bought him as a serious candidate, let alone actual winner – that almost beats old “W” down here . . . Keep Laughing!


May Day 2006!

May 1, 2006

On this date, Two Hundred and Thirty years ago, Adam Weishaupt, a former jesuit, formed the Bavarian Illuminati.

Many claim his intention was to put an end to the strangle-hold religion had on all societies, to usher in a new age of scientific progress, and the personal intellectual growth of all for fun and profit; others claim that his intention was to create a secret society, within a secret society, which would be able to control the world from behind the scenes, and eventually trap all of mankind inside of an elaborate Orwellian maze.

One could easily find evidence today to prove either one of these claims, neither of these claims, or both of these claims, as being “true”.

Could this simply be a more elaborate version of the glass of water being half empty, or half full?