Archive for the ‘King of the Booze’ Category

King Of The Booze On: BOOZE

December 21, 2006

Envy, Chico:31, 6006 YD

It’s around this time of the year that people around the world really begin to pay attention to my subjects: the many liquors, beers, and wines of the world. I see people raising the wrist all over town, and hear people hiccup to one another “T’is the Season!” – which warms both the cockles of my heart, and the heart of my cockles. It pleases me to know that I can in some way bring joy to people at the time of their year when they celebrate the birth of a 40th century jewish stone mason.

However, a certain story in the news which came to my attention recently has brought me some dismay – I don’t like to see my subjects besmirched in the media, after all. The story is -of course- the recent ‘scandal’ surrounding Miss USA, Tara Conner. Miss Conner has been stomped from all sides by the media in the last week or so for doing no more than ‘drinking under age’ . . . something any well-rounded individual has done in their own past (easily forgotten when on the witch-hunt bandwagon). How under age was she exactly? About a week; Tara turned 21 (the abominably high legal age in most US states) this past MONDAY. She almost got dumped as Miss USA for drinking a week before her birthday.

I feel at this point it would be prudent to remind my readers that Eris is also the goddess of Bureaucracy.

My point, though, is not about her drinking under age. My point, rather, is directed at the last sentence in the most recent article I read about the incident: “Miss Conner will be entering rehab.” She will be WHAT? Entering REHAB? For drinking a WEEK before her LEGAL BIRTHDAY? What in the goddess’ name could be the point of this? Are there not hundreds, nay, THOUSANDS of people more legitimately needing rehab counseling than this poor woman? She should be drinking for krist’s sake! SHE’S 21! I don’t even remember the age of twenty-one.

This obsession with rehab has grown to monumental proportions. There are two things the people of North America love: someone entering rehab, and someone forced to apologize.

I need a drink.

The Book Of Generations

July 12, 2005

The book of the generations of the unfortunately named Baron Verulam von Hoopla the Fowler; Episkopos of the Kaufman Cabal; Grand Wazoo of the Esoteric Order Of Eris; Ruler of the Toads of the Short Forest; King of the Booze, and still cooler than a polar bear’s toenails; the son of St.Ray, the son of Camel Toe.

Camel Toe begat Slappy; and Slappy begat Little Ron-Ron; and Little Ron-Ron begat Big Horse; Big Horse begat Ozias; Ozias begat One-Eye and his brethren;

And One-Eye begat Ostrich Boy; and Ostrich Boy begat Susan; and Susan begat Wiley Willie; and Wiley Willie begat the Hamhock; and the Hamhock begat Little Zeke of her that had been the wife of Uranass;

And Little Zeke begat Roboham; and Roboham begat Jo-Jo the Sinning Sinner; Jo-Jo the Sinning Sinner begat Jim-Jim the Singing Singer; and Jim-Jim the Singing Singer begat Captain Rubik; Captain Rubik begat Tic Toc and his brethren;

And Tic Toc begat Stubby; and Stubby begat Fucked Boy; and Fucked Boy begat Fudgee-O; and Fudgee-O begat St. Ray the husband of St.Babs of whom was born Von Hoopla, who is called Verluam.

So all generations from Camel Toe to One-Eye are five generations; and from One-Eye until Little Zeke are five generations; and from Little Zeke until Tic Toc are five generations; and from Tic Toc unto Von Hoopla are five generations.

Verily, I say this unto you, the bullshit doesn’t fall very far from the horse’s ass. Fnord.

Hail Eris.