Archive for the ‘lists’ Category

5 Discordian Archetypes

March 30, 2007

Gluttony, Groucho:57, 6006 YD (later)

I didn’t write this piece; I found it on Dr.Jon’s blog, and he says he found it here and here. A good theory, in my opinion.

5 Discordian Archetypes:

the Hung Mung totem, or philosophical type Discordian: these are a big fan of using statements like “Nietzsche says” (a fun party game, much moreso than Simon says, but let’s not get into that) or “Thornley and Hill skid into existentialism here”, or “Discordianism is the logical progression of surrealism” and other statements like that to justify why they’re laughing at a 50 year old joke instead of finding the purpose of life, solving the problem of ego, or hooking me up with free cable (and yes, Discordianism is one of the few things in life that is nihilistic and existentialistic simultaneously. Deal with it). They are wonderful people to have on your side in an argument about Ayn Rand, but get a little dull sometimes.

the Van Van Mojo, or magick type Discordian: These folks may call themselves “neo-pagans”, “witches”, “occultists”, “chaotes”, “lv10wizard\lv5psion\lv5sorcerors” or any other number of names, but what they mean is “I light candles, chant, draw sigils and may or may not practice tantric sex, ergo I am awesome”. They are big fans of “calling the pentagon”, giving elemental significance to the 5 apostles, and giving elemental significance to the 5 basic elements (I got boom=fire, sweet= water, prickle=air, pungent=earth, and orange=spirit), and other things like that. Unfortunately, they usualy suck at card tricks, so they lose.

the Sri Syadasti, or psychedelic type Discordian: Ah the Syadasti Discordian. He giggles when its 4:20 and has almost as many Phish albums as he does stories about last year’s Burning Man festival. They’re fun but get rapidly tedious, and if they become convinced you’re from the CIA, its all over (I would tell you to ask Mord the Foul about Lord Omar’s later years, but alas, “they” got to both those pour souls)

the Zarathud, or traditional Discordian: This group loves to go on and on about how much modern Discordianism has deviated from the original vision and why this is bad. These are few and far between, but they are growing, and they’re insidious “Back-to-Principia” movement is gaining sway in many prominent swing states.

the the Elder Malaclypse, or way-out-there Discordian: Our last sub-type are, well, way out there. These people aren’t weird for philosophical reasons, or cuz they’re tripping, or cuz Eris appeared to them after 4 hours of chanting in sanskrit. They’re weird because that’s that and if you think shoes shaped like dinosaur feet aren’t proper attire for a job interview well then you’re just not getting it. These people will either re-define our faith, our eat your dog while composing a symphony made of computer error sounds. Possibly both.

Aspects Of The WiseAss Angle

March 26, 2007

Pride, Groucho:53, 6006 YD

As taught by Wiseass Pomal Coleslaw:

1. lack of pity (not harshness)

2. ingeniousness (not cruelty)

3. tolerance (not negligence)

4. gentleness (not naiveté)

5. humour (not buffoonery)

5 Things I Am Sick Of Hearing

January 26, 2006

1) You can see the Great Wall Of China from space

2) You have to be cruel to be kind

3) But, with the windchill factor it’s actually X

4) Joyce’s Ulysses is about the styles and satires

5) “ASAP” as if it’s a word


December 6, 2005

When does a booklet become a book?

When does a novella become a novel?

When does soup become stew?

When does a child become an adult?

When do words become speech?

When does wet dirt become mud?

When does an ugly beast become a monster?

When do sounds become music?

When does a storm become a hurricane?

When does five equal six?

When will we all get it?

23 Ways To Live Your Life

August 18, 2005

As told to me, by Dharma Jam:

1 Wake then bake. Wash, rinse, repeat
2 Wearing muumuu’s brings you closer to Mummu
3 Be gay & merry. Not literally homo gay, unless that’s your bag, in which case be homo gay.
4 Cd’s and mp3’s may sound cleaner, but vinyl has S-O-U-L
5 Once a year everyone should go camping. Become one with nature and one with a bottle(s) of beer.
6 Take note: pigeons are robots. Watch what you say.
7 Pigeons can’t be the only robots. Ponder that.
8 Who deserves gifts more than you?
9 If you don’t own a quality pair of headphones, remedy that
10 The giraffe is proof that mother nature has a sense of humor. No?
Well then, what about the duck-billed Platypus? Dude – it’s poisonous. Booya!
11 If everyone in the world took ecstasy today, war would end tomorrow. BUT imagine the crash the day after that.
12 Xylophones and marimbas are highly under used, and under appreciated.
13 Macrame plant-holders bring peace.
14 Why should socks be only black or white?
15 Neck poking is fun. Nobody expects it, and it gets quit a reaction.
Wet willies are juvenile; neck poking is the way of the future.
16 Why not make your world corduroy?
17 Never socialize with any chump with the initials K.K.
18 If you wear ponchos, stop. If you don’t wear ponchos, start. Whatever you are currently doing is wrong.
19 It’s called picking up a book bozo. Expanding your mind doesn’t start tomorrow.
20 All bamboo furniture should be burned. Mmmm . . . roasted marshmallows.
21 Every well-rounded person should be able to twist a balloon doggie.
22 Statistically, there is a possibility that a single trampoline jump could take you all the way to the moon.
23 2 + 3 = 6

My Top Five Greyfaces

June 29, 2005

1) Stephen Harper, Leader of “Progressive” Conservatives Party

2) Jerry Falwell, “model” X-tian

3) James Randi, professional skeptic

4) Tucker Carlson, all around jerk-off

5) Ben Shapiro, author of “Porn Generation” and pro-censorship advocate

Hail Eris!

23 Enigmas

May 23, 2005

Today is the 23rd.

Some 23 enigmas (some more ‘true’ than others) for you:

The human biorhythm is 23 days long. Though Hermann Swoboda and Wilhelm Fliess, the two doctors who first posited biorhythm, did determine that a human’s ‘physical cycle’ was 23 days long, biorhythmics is at best a highly speculative and subjective area of study.

It takes 23 seconds for blood to circulate throughout the entire body. Blood is a suspension and does not flow at the same rate for all of its components. Furthermore, there is no single path blood takes when it circulates. For both these reasons, verification is both difficult and meaningless.

Each parent contributes 23 chromosomes to the DNA of a child. True.
The human arm has 23 joints in it. Unconfirmed, and confirmation depends on the definition of joint.

On average, every 23rd wave on a beach will be twice the size of the average wave. False. This idea exists in many parts of the world, with varying numbers of waves.

Earth’s axis is off by 23.5 degrees. Dubious at best. For one, this is a case of stretched applicability, and it depends on using the arbitrary figure of a circle having 360 degrees to come up with an answer even close to 23.
Earth’s period of rotation is really 23 hours and 56 minutes, not exactly 24 hours. (That’s 4 minutes shorter than a day since a day is defined as the time between two noons on the same meridian, which is slightly longer than the period of rotation because meanwhile the Earth is revolving around the Sun.)

The first Moon landing, Apollo 11 was in the Sea of Tranquility at 23.63 degrees East. The second landing, Apollo 12, was in the Ocean of Storms, 23.42 degrees West. Also, 11 + 12, the numbers of the missions, add up to 23. Again, this is stretched as far as the degrees, and there are at least 11 pairs of integers that add to 23, not counting negative integers or zero.

December 23, 2012 is the date the Mayan calendar ends, predicting an apocalyptic event. The Mayan calendar’s “Long Count” does indeed end on either the 21st or 23rd of December of 2012, depending on calculation.
Both the ancient Egyptian and Sumerian calendars begin on 23 July. Both calendars were apparently calculated from the date of the heliacal rising of Sirius, which does occur at that latitude around that time of year.

William Shakespeare was born on 23 April, died on 23 April and had his first portfolio published in 1623. His first play Titus Andronicus was performed January 23rd 1594. Though the last three statements are true, his actual date of birth remains unconfirmed (see his article for more information).

Julius Caesar was stabbed 23 times when he was assassinated. True.

The Prophet Muhammad taught and received the wisdom of God for 23 years. There exist hadith that support this figure, but many more that give other lengths of time.

The Knights Templar had 23 Grand Masters, the last being Jacques de Molay. True.

The first song on the first side of the first Beatles album took 23 takes. That would be “I Saw Her Standing There” from Please Please Me, but in reality, the song that took the most takes was “Love Me Do,” at fifteen.

John F. Kennedy was assassinated on November 22, 1963 and his supposed assassin — Lee Harvey Oswald — was assassinated on November 24, 1963, the 23rd being in between. True.

If you add up all the digits in 9/11/2001 you get 23. Not exactly, this is another stretching. To make 23, add “11” as normal, but “2001” must be added as the numbers “2” and “1”.

Michael Jordan’s uniform number was 23 when he played for the Chicago Bulls. True

David Beckham wears the number 23 shirt for Real Madrid. True.

On a normal arabic alphabet keyboard, the 23rd letter W is right below and between 2 and 3. True.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt contains of 23 letters. True.

Pi’s first six digits (3.14159) added together equal 23. True.

Caesar Augustus was born on 23 September. True.

Volkswagen’s VW logo contains the roman numeral V (2+3=5) and the 23rd letter W. Volkswagen is based in Wolfsburg which starts with the 23rd letter. True.

666 is said to be taken from 2/3 = 0.666. Very unlikely; see the article Number of the Beast for its history.

John D. Rockefeller died on 23 May. True.

Hagbard (Karl Koch), German hacker and inventor of the trojan horse spyware, died on 23 May. Probable, but not definite. Also most likely a suicide, with the date chosen intentionally to fit this numerology.

5 Ideas To Improve Your Tuesday

May 10, 2005

Tuesdays can be depressing sometimes. Monday you expect to be dreadful, and so usually steady yourself for it, like the anticipation of a subway train about to shove off. Tuesday, though, can sneak up and spit in your eye; it’s not even Wednesday (a drippy day in it’s own right) but, at least Wednesday is the middle of the week . . . Thursday is practically part of the weekend, and Friday is glorious for reasons that if they need explained to you are beyond the point.

So, Tuesday. I almost feel bad for maligning and slandering Tuesday when, really, it’s not Tuesday’s fault, someone had to be the second day of the week.* If it hadn’t been Tuesday it could have ended up being given to Friday or even, (gasp) Saturday. Tuesday should be commended for taking the bull by the horns and trying to make the best of a bad situation . . . see what it did with Tuesday cheap movies? That’s thinking for you.

So, in the spirit of making the best of Tuesday I have thought up five things that can make your Tuesday slightly more interesting, for you, and for your coworkers. These five are as follows:

1) Discover a coworker’s desk, and claim it in the name of Spain.

2) Lower your chair to the lowest level. When anyone asks you why tell them the altitude always gives you nosebleeds on Tuesdays.

3) Move your desk next to the rest rooms, and proclaim yourself the Hand Washing Monitor. Be STRICT.

4) Try to convince your coworkers that the Earth is flat. When they disagree, change gears, tell them they misheard you . . . the Earth is actually round, but hollow.

5) Whenever a coworker speaks to you about anything, respond with “Sure, that’s what you’d like me to believe, isn’t it?” But, be defensive if they ask you what you think they would like you to believe. If they press you, simply insist “YOU know. You know very well.”

Any and all of these suggestions are guaranteed to make your Tuesday more interesting. I claim no responsibility for anyone getting fired if they try these suggestions, consider it a personal favour.

Hail Eris!

*Don’t even talk to me about the week beginning on Sunday.