Archive for the ‘Moon’ Category

Moon For Sale

September 2, 2005

I’ve decided to sell the Moon.

It’s been nice, I’ve enjoyed having it around. It was a great conversation piece when I had people over for tea and crumpets. And on those days when I was moving my couch into the bedroom, and my bed into the other room, it was good to have somewhere to spread out . . . but now that they’re planning to send robot penguins up there I feel it’s time that I moved along.

It will be hard to give up . . . to think of all the times I ran through the Sea Of Tranquility, nekkid as the day I was born, screaming to the mountain tops: AMINI AMONI ADOSHI A-DAISY! I miss screaming that already . . . I scratched the initials of Big Mama and me onto I don’t know how many boulders . . . only the Fizziwumps know how many for certain. The Fizziwumps, and perhaps Eris, but I doubt she cares. I think the fort I made on the dark side is still standing, at least it was the last time I was over there . . . it’s cold, if you plan on buying, stick to the sunny side. In fact, the Carter Family wrote a song about it. Look it up.

So, with some sadness, I feel I must put the Moon up for sale. It is slightly used, it’s certainly not in mint condition anymore; a lot of meteors have crashed into it over the years leaving some fairly impressive craters, in addition to that it was used as a Demolition Derby arena in the early years of the Twentieth Century (before I acquired it) and suffered some pretty intense damage. It was also the site of the Tungsten / Homina war of 1733, but it suffered little damage since the Tungsten’s used marshmallow bullets, and the Hominas just tossed jujubes. In fact, you may still find some stray Jujubes up there.

You can change the name of it, if you want – I call it Curly, but you can call it whatever you want.

Pricing is negotiable. Trades considered.

Perfectly Fucked Headlines

September 1, 2005

I regularly scour the internet for fucked up little stories to post on here, you know . . . the weird the wild and the wooly (let’s pretend wooly fits there) and every once in a while I come across one with a title so perfect fucked I can’t bring myself to read what the actual story is about, much like Joe Malik in Schrodinger’s Cat with “No Wife, No Horse, No Mustache” . . . today was just such a day.

The title?

“Robotic Space Penguin To Hop Across The Moon”

That is fantastic on so many levels I hardly know where to begin. Let’s see . . . first, the words ‘robotic space penguin’ are so surreal and perfect I could levitate – why a penguin? Who cares. It’s hilarious. And where is this Robotic Space Penguin going? Only the most classic ‘loony’ landscape there is, my close chum, the Moon. And what, pray tell, is this Robotic Space Penguin planning to do on the Moon? The answer is ‘hop across it’. Not walk across it, or drive across it, or even skip stalk or slide across it . . . no, it’s planning to hop across it. HOP.

I couldn’t bring myself to read a word of the actual article, it would only be a monumental disappointment.

I think I need to go rest now . . .