Archive for the ‘News Story’ Category

Guatemala Awaits Anti-Christ

April 25, 2007

Lust, Gummo:10, 6006 YD

By JUAN CARLOS LLORCA
The Associated Press

He calls himself the Antichrist, wears the number 666 tattooed on his arm and claims a following of 2 million people.
And, Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda is coming to Guatemala whether it wants him or not.

The Central American country has banned the leader of the Florida-based Growing in Grace church, arguing he is a security risk because he provokes conflict with Roman Catholics and evangelicals. But Miranda still plans to fly in on a private jet today to celebrate his 61st birthday and meet with thousands of followers from around the world. “It has been predestined, and angels will make it happen,” said Axel Poessy, Miranda’s media director. “He is, after all, God himself.”

It is the Puerto Rican-born former evangelical priest’s latest attempts to expand his following in Central America. Most of his supporters are in Miami and Colombia, but Miranda holds a congress every year in the Americas. He has a 24-hour Spanish-language television network and a radio program on 287 stations.

He often takes aim at the Catholic Church — the most powerful faith in Latin America — calling all priests child molesters and saying chastity vows go against the Bible’s teachings. Members of his church have torn up images of saints and other religious symbols in El Salvador, and marched in Guatemala and Honduras.

He preaches that sin and the devil do not exist. In January, he revealed tattoos of the numbers 666 on his forearms and declared that he and his followers were Antichrists because their beliefs supersede those of Jesus Christ. The Bible describes the Antichrist as someone who will fill the world with wickedness but be conquered by a second coming of Christ.

Guatemala’s Congress labeled him a terrorist, and immigration officials have been instructed to refuse him entry. Honduras and El Salvador also have banned him. “Many have told me that I shouldn’t pay attention to a crazy man like him, but Hitler was also crazy, and look what he did,” said Julio Morales, the congressman who proposed the resolution calling Miranda a terrorist. “We took this measure because they have burned crosses, images of Christ in other countries and demonstrated in front of an evangelical church in Guatemala, just to create confrontation.”

It was not clear, however, if the government would be able to block Miranda’s private jet from landing. His right-hand man, Carlos Cestero, said Miranda has been in Guatemala at least 14 times in the past decade — before he declared himself the Antichrist. Followers see Miranda as a savior. Critics say he is a dangerous cult leader. “What is more evil than all the exorbitant titles associated with him is the power he exercises over his followers,” said Daniel Alvarez, a religious-studies instructor at Florida International University. “He wants attention, shock value, and he’s always trying to top what he did before.”

Miranda, who lives in Miami, founded the Growing in Grace church in 1986 and based the church in suburban Doral. Hundreds have followed his lead by getting “666” tattoos. The number often is associated with the Antichrist or the devil.

In an upscale Guatemala City neighborhood, Andrea Recinos, 18, hunched over as a tattoo artist carved “666” on her back, along with angel wings. “I wanted to show my love to the apostle,” she said, referring to Miranda. “I wanted to show the whole world that I am an Antichrist.” Other followers get “SSS” tattoos, referring to Miranda’s motto of “Salvo, siempre salvo,” or “Saved, always saved.” He believes sinning is impossible because Christ died for the sins of mankind.

Original story here.

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Viva St.Vonnegut!

April 12, 2007

Envy, Groucho:70, 6006 YD

NEW YORK (AP) – Kurt Vonnegut, the satirical novelist who captured the absurdity of war and questioned the advances of science in darkly humorous works such as “Slaughterhouse-Five” and “Cat’s Cradle,” died Wednesday at age 84, his wife said.

Vonnegut, who often marvelled that he had lived so long, despite his lifelong smoking habit, suffered brain injuries after a fall at his Manhattan home weeks ago, said his wife, photographer Jill Krementz.

The author of at least 19 novels, many of them best-sellers, as well as dozens of short stories, essays and plays, Vonnegut relished the role of a social critic. He lectured regularly, exhorting audiences to think for themselves and delighting in barbed commentary against the institutions he felt were dehumanizing people.

“I will say anything to be funny, often in the most horrible situations,” Vonnegut, whose watery, heavy-lidded eyes and unruly hair made him seem to be in existential pain, once told a gathering of psychiatrists.

A self-described religious skeptic and freethinking humanist, Vonnegut used protagonists such as Billy Pilgrim and Eliot Rosewater as transparent vehicles for his points of view. He also filled his novels with satirical commentary and even drawings that were only loosely connected to the plot. In “Slaughterhouse-Five,” he drew a headstone with the epitaph: “Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.”

But much in his life was traumatic and left him in pain.

Despite his commercial success, Vonnegut battled depression throughout his life and in 1984 he attempted suicide with pills and alcohol, joking later about how he botched the job.

His mother had succeeded in killing herself just before he left for Germany during the Second World War, where he was quickly taken prisoner during the Battle of the Bulge. He was being held in Dresden when Allied bombs created a firestorm that killed tens of thousands of people in the city.

“The firebombing of Dresden explains absolutely nothing about why I write what I write and am what I am,” Vonnegut wrote in “Fates Worse Than Death,” his 1991 autobiography of sorts.

But he spent 23 years struggling to write about the ordeal, which he survived by huddling with other prisoners inside an underground meat locker labelled slaughterhouse-five.

The novel, in which Pte. Pilgrim is transported from Dresden by time-travelling aliens from the planet Tralfamadore, was published at the height of the Vietnam War and solidified his reputation as an iconoclast.

“He was sort of like nobody else,” said Gore Vidal, who noted he, Vonnegut and Norman Mailer were among the last writers around who served in the Second World War.

“He was imaginative; our generation of writers didn’t go in for imagination very much. Literary realism was the general style.”

“Those of us who came out of the war in the 1940s made sort of the official American prose and it was often a bit on the dull side. Kurt was never dull.”

Vonnegut was born Nov. 11, 1922, in Indianapolis, a “fourth-generation German-American religious skeptic Freethinker” and studied chemistry at Cornell University before joining the U.S. army.

When he returned, he reported for Chicago’s City News Bureau, then did public relations for General Electric, a job he loathed. He wrote his first novel, “Player Piano,” in 1951, followed by “The Sirens of Titan,” “Canary in a Cat House” and “Mother Night,” making ends meet by selling Saabs on Cape Cod, Mass.

Critics ignored him at first, then denigrated his deliberately bizarre stories and disjointed plots as haphazardly written science fiction. But his novels became cult classics, especially “Cat’s Cradle” in 1963, in which scientists create “ice-nine,” a crystal that turns water solid and destroys the Earth.

Many of his novels were best-sellers. Some also were banned and burned for suspected obscenity. Vonnegut took on censorship as an active member of the PEN writers’ aid group and the American Civil Liberties Union. The American Humanist Association, which promotes individual freedom, rational thought and scientific skepticism, made him its honorary president.

His characters tended to be miserable anti-heroes with little control over their fate. Pilgrim was an ungainly, lonely goof. The hero of “God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater” was a snivelling, obese volunteer fireman.

Vonnegut said the villains in his books were never individuals but culture, society and history, which he said were making a mess of the planet.

“We probably could have saved ourselves but we were too damned lazy to try very hard…and too damn cheap,” he once suggested carving into a wall on the Grand Canyon, as a message for flying-saucer creatures.

He retired from novel writing in his later years but continued to publish short articles. He had a best-seller in 2005 with “A Man Without a Country,” a collection of his non-fiction, including jabs at President George W. Bush’s administration (“upper-crust C-students who know no history or geography”) and the uncertain future of the planet.

He called the book’s success “a nice glass of champagne at the end of a life.”

Vonnegut, who had homes in Manhattan and the Hamptons in New York state, adopted his sister’s three young children after she died. He also had three children of his own with his first wife, Ann Cox and later adopted a daughter, Lily, with his second wife, the noted photographer Krementz.

Vonnegut once said of all the ways to die, he’d prefer to go out in an airplane crash on the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro. He often joked about the difficulties of old age.

“When Hemingway killed himself he put a period at the end of his life; old age is more like a semicolon,” Vonnegut said in 2005.

“My father, like Hemingway, was a gun nut and was very unhappy late in life. But he was proud of not committing suicide.”

“And I’ll do the same, so as not to set a bad example for my children.”

Original Story here.

*****St.Vonnegut was canonized by the First Church Of Discord in 5965 YD (1966 CE). -BVH

Attack Sheep

March 26, 2007

Pride, Groucho:53, 6006 YD (later)

I stumbled across this story today, and am thoroughly amused by what the story could suggest if you were to consider the content “ironic” and decide to read between the lines . . .

-BVH

Anyone among you thinking of paying a visit to the Gloucestershire village of Leighterton with the intention of burgling the good burghers of that little piece of rural England might want to pick another target, The Sun suggests. That’s because Leighterton is protected by 60-year-old retired farmworker Keith Clifford and his herd of “highly-trained” attack sheep. And in case you’re willing to laugh off the threat posed by the 24 ovine vigilantes, bear in mind that Keith has raised them from birth to strike without mercy – a fact attested by The Sun’s promotion of the woolly Ninjas from “flock” to ruthless wolf-style “pack”.

Keith’s dog Birdie does the recon work, then orders in the pack to eliminate the threat. Keith said: “Normally sheep run away if they are frightened, but these don’t. They are more than capable of handling themselves.” Mercifully, the sheep-pack has not yet been used in anger. The thought of a couple of behoodied ne’er-do-wells being torn limb from limb in a lanoline-lubricated killing frenzy is too horrible to contemplate.

original story here

Judge Sez: P&G Not Satanic!

March 22, 2007

Envy, Groucho:49, 6006 YD (later)

The Devil is not in league with global consumer brand Procter & Gamble, a US court has ruled. P&G won a $19m (£9.7m) lawsuit against four distributors of rival Amway over rumours tying it to Satanism.

The court concluded a 12-year lawsuit in P&G’s favour, after it ruled that the four had spread a false accusation that P&G subsidised Satanic cults. The case is one of several unfair competition suits P&G has brought refuting the Satanism slurs.

According to P&G, the four distributors had passed on to customers the notion that its logo – featuring a bearded man looking over a field of 13 stars – was a symbol of Satan.

“This is about protecting our reputation,” said Jim Johnson, P&G’s chief legal officer. “We can’t have the Great Dread Cthulhu overhearing some pipsqueak calling us “Satanists” he would shred our sanity all the sooner – we have other corporations to smash before that can be allowed to happen.”

For its part, Amway pointed out that it had successfully defended itself in an earlier case brought by P&G that had been connected with the rumours, claiming they had actually accused P&G of being in league with Sammy Davis Jr., who unfortunately WAS a Satanist, which is apparently where the trouble started.

When asked for comment, Lucifer “The Satan” Beelzebub had this to say: “Procter & Gamble? Jezuz, no . . . what do I care about big corporations like that? Leave that to L. Ron Hubbard’s zombie corpse, I’m too busy focusing on the career of my client, Paris Hilton, to get bogged down in that sort of nonsense. Have you heard her album, by the way?”

Eris Also Works Through Ants

March 15, 2007

Envy, Groucho:42, 6006 YD

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia — Buddhist monks, who are bound by faith to nonviolence, are grappling with how to rid a temple of a severe ant infestation without killing the insects.

Stinging red ants have plagued the Hong Hock See Temple in northern Penang state for a year, causing one worshipper to be bitten so badly last month that he had to receive hospital treatment, said Elma Lin, a temple volunteer worker.

A temple disciple tried using a vacuum cleaner to gather up the ants before freeing them in a nearby forest, but the method failed to purge the insects, Lin said.

“We haven’t found a solution so far,” Lin said. “Nothing has worked.”

The temple’s chief monk, Boon Keng, was quoted by The Star newspaper as saying that the monks had to “respect other living things” in the temple.

“When an ant drops on you, you must not flick it away or blow on it,” he told the newspaper. “If you do, it will bite to hold on. You just have to shake it off.”

The newspaper published a photograph of Boon Keng standing beside a sign at the temple that read: “Beware poisonous ants. Do not sit under the tree.”

The decades-old temple has more than 10 monks living there and hundreds of devotees, Lin said.

Score One For Fort

March 5, 2007

Pride, Groucho:32, 6006 YD

On this date, in 1888, according to the Madras Mail, pieces of bricks fell into a Pondicherry classroom in the presence of many investigators.

One brick marked with a white cross was placed in the centre of the room; a similar-sized brick, marked with a black cross, dropped out of the air onto the first brick. In reference to such appearances in closed rooms, Charles Fort said: ‘Oh, yes, I have heard of ‘the fourth dimension,’ but I am going to do myself some credit by not lugging in that particular way of showing that I don’t know what I am writing about.’

Two Clowns Shot Dead At Circus

February 27, 2007

Greed, Groucho:26, 6006 YD

BOGOTA (Reuters) – Two clowns were shot and killed by an unidentified gunman during their performance at a traveling circus in the eastern Colombian town of Cucuta, police said Wednesday.

The gunman burst into the Circo del Sol de Cali Monday night and shot the clowns in front of an audience of 20 to 50 people, local police chief Jose Humberto Henao told Reuters. One of the clowns was killed instantly and the second died the next day in hospital.

“The killings had little to do with the show the victims were performing at the time of the incident,” Henao said in a telephone interview. “We are investigating the motive.”

With an entrance fee of under 50 U.S. cents, Circo del Sol de Cali attracts mostly poor Colombians. It pitched it tents in Cucuta, near the border with Venezuela, earlier this month.

“The clowns came out to give their show and then this guy came out shooting them,” one audience member told local television. “It was ghastly.”

(for an encounter I had with an evil clown, click here)

Making Grocery Shopping More Fun!

June 30, 2005

Ok ok ok – I know . . . I’ve already made excuses for a man caught riding a bike drunk, and now this . . . Honestly, though, this story made me laugh harder than anything I’ve read recently, so for that reason alone it should be important. Remember, it isn’t true unless it makes you laugh.

So, with that in mind, here is yet another drunken loser trying to make life more fun, and being brought down by the greyfaces again. Don’t let the bastards grind you down!

Here is the story:

DEVILS LAKE, N.D. (AP) – A man is accused of driving an electric-powered shopping cart around a grocery store here while drunk, endangering other customers.

Clifford Mattson, 27, was charged with disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor, Detective Sue Schwab said Tuesday.

Schwab said police went to the Leevers grocery store Monday afternoon, after reports of a drunken man driving the shopping cart into people and nearly knocking them down.

“He appeared to be actually driving after them,” Schwab said. No one was hurt, she said.

The maximum penalty for the misdemeanor charge is 30 days in jail and a $500 fine, Schwab said. A court hearing was set for July 19.

America Has Finally Got To Us

May 20, 2005

Eris strikes again!!!!!

This story is so amusing I had to include it here, enjoy!

MOSCOW (Reuters) – A Russian village was left baffled Thursday after its lake disappeared overnight.

NTV television showed pictures of a giant muddy hole bathed in summer sun, while fishermen from the village of Bolotnikovo looked on disconsolately.

“It is very dangerous. If a person had been in this disaster, he would have had almost no chance of survival. The trees flew downwards, under the ground,” said Dmitry Zaitsev, a local Emergencies Ministry official interviewed by the channel.

Officials in Nizhegorodskaya region, on the Volga river east of Moscow, said water in the lake might have been sucked down into an underground water-course or cave system, but some villagers had more sinister explanations.

“I am thinking, well, America has finally got to us,” said one old woman, as she sat on the ground outside her house.

Hail Eris!

Ride A Bike!

May 19, 2005

I don’t indorse drinking and driving, but a story here in Hogtown a couple days ago amused me. A man decided to try to party with some police, despite the fact he was driving drunk.

The driver, with a bottle of rum beside him, mounted the curb and pulled up beside an officer directing traffic. The driver told the officer he was headed north, but pulled over, saying he could see a party and wanted to join in, acting Staff Sgt. Jed Handy said Tuesday. Problem was, the party was part of the Police Week festivities at 31 Division. “The officer went to talk to him and sees an empty bottle of rum and a half bottle of rum in the seat of the car,” Handy said. The man, who registered a blood-alcohol level of about 0.29 – more than three times the legal faces a number of alcohol related charges, Handy said.

Here was a man who wanted to party, and didn’t care where it was, or who it was with. Despite the fact that he was drinking and driving there’s something about that mindset that I sort of admire. Next time, just ride your bike mister . . . there’s very little damage that can be done by a drunk man on a bicycle, and what damage can be done is usually pretty amusing.

Also, the website is now up and looks beautiful. I would like to thank Apostasia Gloriana and her brother Paul for all their help, I certainly would not have been able to do it by myself, I can barely tie my shoes. Presently, the links aren’t going anywhere, but that will be fixed in the next day or so.

  • Justified Agents Of Mummu
  • So, with a little luck the meetings should start to run smoothly now that the site is running.

    Hail Eris!

    *****EDIT: This website no longer exists. Read about its fate here.