Archive for the ‘Parables’ Category

The Parable Of The Sacred Bull

March 2, 2007

Gluttony, Groucho:29, 6006 YD

by: Sexual Deviant and Beloved Ex-Dictator: Enrico Ritzibottom Salazar

As Enrico step off tuna boat onto fine American soil he was immediately molest by strange man in rumpled suit with crazed eyes. Normally this would not bother Enrico, on contrary, he advertise for it . . . but this man was not interest in Enrico’s crotch at all, he was only interest in talk talk religion and philosophy. He ask Enrico: “Do you believe there is such thing as true religion?”

Enrico snort and repy “Isn’t pornography religion in this country?”

He told Enrico that it was not, which saddened Enrico for few moments; it was after all why Enrico had come to this country in first place. Immediately his vision of become a pope of porn melt away . . . he would have to find other way to get people to accept his ‘host’, he realize. He was only sad for moment, of course, because Enrico rarely has much to do persuading, being virile testicle squid he is.

The man pulled medallion from under his shirt and waved it before Enrico’s eyes. Enrico, in turn pull seventeen medallions from under his shirt and waved them around too, thinking ‘what strange customs these beautiful faggots have’, but was distracted from his inner monologue by man saying “This is call Sacred Cow.”

“Sacred Cow?” Enrico ask, then add: “In Enrico’s homeland that is Beatrice Arthur.”

“No no,” the man said. “Cow! See Ayche Aye Oh. Cow. It the singular version of Chaos.”

“Chaos.” repeate Enrico.

“Yes,” man said. “Chaos is natural state of universe. Aspects of chaos are order and disorder. Both are natural, so do not shun disorder as false, is true too.”

“You speak bullshit,” Enrico laughed. “Enrico like that.”

“This is not bullshit. This is truth that will set you free.”

“No.” said Enrico. “Is bullshit. But, bullshit is important.”

The man’s eyes wide in amazement. “Bullshit? Important? Is why?”

Enrico was surprise that concept of Bull hadn’t been taught to this man. What else was going to be different in this country?

“Bullshit is very important.” Enrico told man. “Bullshit should be spread far and wide. Always spread bullshit wherever you go.”

“Why?” ask man.

“Is simple. If you speak to someone and tell them truth you have made them think nothing, is true?”

“No, they think about what you say.”

“How many peoples do you know?” Enrico asked. “Most peoples, they are not all the way right in the head. Most peoples accept your information like a baby goat accepts your root. If you give them bullshit, though, the person will later find out about it, become angry, but then they will need to go look up informations themselves. They will need to use their own head gravy, instead of relying on other peoples to do their thinking for them . . . in this way bullshit is very very important. So spread bullshit everywhere, my fine friendly faggot.”

Enrico was about to leave when man call out to him: “But what if they never find out information is bullshit?”

Enrico turn back to the man. He shrug. “Fuck em. If they are that stupid, they deserve to stay that way.”

And that is how Enrico taught the silly Discordian about Sacred Bull.

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Five Blind Men And An Elephant

February 16, 2007

Gluttony, Groucho:15, 6006 YD

by: Reverend Loveshade

One day five blind men, who knew nothing of elephants, went to examine one to find out what it was. Reaching out randomly, each touched it in a different spot. One man touched the side, one an ear, one a leg, one a tusk, and one the trunk. Each satisfied that he now knew the true nature of the beast, they all sat down to discuss it.

“We now know that the elephant is like a wall,” said the one who touched the side. “The evidence is conclusive.”

“I believe you are mistaken, sir,” said the one who touched an ear. “The elephant is more like a large fan.”

“You are both wrong,” said the leg man. “The creature is obviously like a tree.”

“A tree?” questioned the tusk toucher. “How can you mistake a spear for a tree?”

“What?” said the trunk feeler. “A spear is long and round, but anyone knows it doesn’t move. Couldn’t you feel the muscles? It’s definitely a type of snake! A blind man could see that!” said the fifth blind man.

The argument grew more heated, and finally escalated into a battle, for each of the five had followers. This became known as the Battle of the Five Armies (not to be mistaken for the one described by that Tolkien fellow).

However, before they could totally destroy themselves, a blind, self-declared Discordian oracle came along to see what all the fuss was about. While they were beating the crap out of each other, she examined the elephant. But instead of stopping after one feel, she touched the whole thing, including the tail, which felt like a rope. “It’s just a big animal with big sides, ears, feet, tusk teeth,
nose and a skinny tail,” she thought. “What a bunch of fools these guys are.”

She then said “Stop! I have discovered the truth. I know who is right.”

She being an oracle and all, they stopped and listened and said “tell us!”

“I have examined the elephant with mine own two hands,” she said, “and I find that you are all right.”

“How can this be?” they asked. “Can an elephant be a wall and a fan and a tree and a spear and a snake?” And they were sorely confused.

She explained “the elephant is a great Tree, and on this tree grow leaves like great Fans to give most wondrous shade and fan the breeze. And the branches of this tree are like Spears to protect it. For this is the Tree of Creation and of Eternal Life, and the Great Serpent hangs still upon it.

“Unfortunately, it is hidden behind a great Wall, which is why it was not discovered until this very day. It cannot be reached by normal means.

“However I, in my wisdom, have discovered a Most Holy Rope, by which the wall may be climbed. And if one touches the tree in the proper manner which I alone know, you will gain Eternal Life.”

They all became highly interested in this, of course.

She then named an extremely high price for her services (Eternal Life doesn’t come cheap), and made quite a bundle.

Moral: Anyone can lead blind men to an elephant, but a Discordian can charge admission.

Gulik On Reincarnation

September 13, 2005


There was a point in my life when I was pondering many issues of human nature, and wondering if what we did now effected what might happen to us after we died . . . I was laying face down on the linoleum tiled floor, which is one of the six places I happen to ponder those types of issues best. The other five were too far away. The closest place is almost always the best place, for me.

While I mused abstractly I entertained myself by blowing a single piece of cereal across the tile floor, trying to outdo myself with each puff. As the cereal rolled across the floor it bumped into what appeared to be a large shard of deeply varnished wood. I was, in fact, under the impression it was wood until it skittered toward me.

I was deeply concerned to witness a rather large cockroach sprinting toward my face, but was even more concerned when it raised it’s antennae and addressed me. -BARON VON HOOPLA! it called in a deep basso profundo.

-Gah? I choked in answer. I stand by it as a valid response, under the circumstances.

-CALL ME GULIK. I AM A MESSENGER. I COME HITHER AND DITHER TO TEACH YOU ABOUT REINCARNATION.

-Zah! I gagged, being still an ignorant fool, and lacking full enlightenment.

The roach tittered over to the cupboard near my head and opened it, revealing hundreds of cockroaches crawling through my garbage. I don’t know what stopped vomit from spewing out of every pour in my body, but I’m thankful it didn’t. I hacked again as Gulik said, -THESE ARE THE CHOSEN OF ERIS. THEIR ENLIGHTENMENT WILL ALLOW THEM TO MOVE UP THE LADDER AFTER THIS LIFE TO KOALA IN THE NEXT LIFE.

-Koala? I asked. -That’s the next step up from cockroach?

-OF COURSE. DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY BELIEVE COCKROACHES LIVE A RATHER IDEAL LIFE FOR THE MOST PART. MOST LIVE IN, OR VERY NEAR, GARBAGE . . . THE CENTRAL DIET OF OUR KIND. AND, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’VE NOTICED YET OR NOT, BUT THE WORLD IS FULL OF GARBAGE, GROWING STEADILY BY THE HOUR. THERE WILL NEVER BE STARVATION FOR COCKROACHES.

-But, why are Koalas the next step up the ladder? I asked.

-FOR ALMOST THE SAME REASON. KOALAS LIVE IN EUCALYPTUS TREES, WHICH IS THE SOURCE OF THEIR MAIN FOOD: EUCALYPTUS LEAVES. BUT, THERE ARE FIVE ADDITIONS TO THE KOALA WHICH PLACE IT A NOTCH ABOVE US:

1) THEY ARE ACCEPTED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD BY ALL SPECIES OF MAN BEAST AND INSECT (EXCEPT FOR COCKROACHES) AS THE CUTEST ANIMAL IN EXISTENCE.

2) THEIR CENTRAL DIET, EUCALYPTUS LEAVES, ARE PSYCHEDELIC, SO ALL KOALAS ARE ETERNALLY STONED.

3) THE EUCALYPTUS LEAVES CAUSE THE KOALA’S URINE TO SMELL FANTASTIC, WHICH IS UNIQUE IN THE WORLD.

4) KOALAS ARE PSYCHIC, SO THEY CAN-

-Holy shit! I exclaimed. -For real??

-YES.

-Prove it.

-FUCK YOU, WHAT DO I CARE IF YOU BELIEVE ME?

-Sorry.

-WHERE WAS I?

-The fifth reason.

-RIGHT. THERE IS NO FIFTH REASON.

-So, I asked. -What is above Koalas?

-SRIZZLEFISH.

-What the holy Hades are Srizzlefish?

-THERE ARE ONLY EVER FIVE SRIZZLEFISH ALIVE AT ANY GIVEN TIME. SO THERE IS A LONG WAITING LIST. THEY LIVE ANYWHERE FROM TWO HUNDRED TO FIVE HUNDRED YEARS. THEY JUST FLOAT AROUND ON THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN, COMPLETELY ENLIGHTENED. THEY REQUIRE NO SUSTENANCE, THEY SIMPLY . . . ARE.

-Great Googly Moogly. What’s above Srizzlefish?

-NOTHING.

-Nothing? How can there be nothing above Srizzlefish? Something must be.

-NO. THERE ISN’T. THAT’S IT. THE END. KAPUT.

-So, if there’s nothing above Srizzlefish, when do you become human?

-PFFFH! Gulik laughed. -WHAT’RE YOU, KIDDING ME? AND TAKE A HUGE STEP BACK DOWN THE LADDER? YOU’RE ON GOOFBALLS.

Thus, I was enlightened.

Great Knowledge and Hung Mung

June 14, 2005

It has been written that I loathe Tuesdays. This is true. On this Tuesday I have nothing worth recounting, but will instead relate a parable about Hung Mung, the wisest of of all wiseacres:

“Great Knowledge was traveling east, carried along upon the wings of a whirlwind. Suddenly he met Hung Mung, who was jumping around, slapping his thighs and hopping like a bird. Great Knowledge saw this and stopped dead, standing still in respect, and said, ‘Elderly man, who are you? What are you doing?’

     Hung Mung continued to slap his thighs and hop like a bird, then replied, ‘Enjoying myself!

     Great Knowledge said, ‘I would like to ask a question.’

     Hung Mung looked at Great Knowledge and said, ‘That’s a shame!’

     Great Knowledge said, ‘The very breath of Heaven is no longer in harmony. Earth’s very breath is ensnared, the six breaths do not mix, the four seasons do not follow each other. Now I want to combine the six breaths in order to bring life to all things. How do I do this?’

     Hung Mung slapped his thighs, hopped around and said, ‘I don’t know, I don’t know!’

     Great Knowledge could go no further with his questioning. But three years later, traveling east, he passed the wilderness of Sung and came upon Hung Mung again. Great Knowledge, very pleased, rushed towards him, stood before him and said, ‘Heaven, have you forgotten me? Heaven, have you forgotten me?’ Bowing his head twice, he asked for teaching from Hung Mung.

     Hung Mung said, ‘Wandering everywhere, without a clue why. Wildly impulsive, without a clue where. I wander around in this odd fashion, I see that nothing comes without reason. What can I know?’

     Great Knowledge replied, ‘I also seem carried on by an aimless influence, and yet the people follow me wherever I go. I cannot help their doing so. But now as they thus imitate me, I wish to hear a word from you.’

     Hung Mung said, ‘Ah! your mind needs to be nourished. Do you only take the position of doing nothing, and things will of themselves become transformed. Neglect your body; cast out from you your power of hearing and sight; forget what you have in common with things; cultivate a grand similarity with the chaos of the plastic ether; unloose your mind; set your spirit free; be still as if you had no soul. Of all the multitude of things every one returns to its root. Every one returns to its root, and does not know that it is doing so. They all are as in the state of chaos, and during all their existence they do not leave it. They do not ask its name; they do not seek to spy out their nature; and thus it is that things come to life of themselves.'”

Have a great fucking Tuesday.

Hail Eris.

An Old Sufi Legend

May 17, 2005

The venerable sage Mullah Nasrudin was once condemned to death for certain witty and satirical sayings that disturbed the local Shah. Nasrudin immediately offered a bargain: “Postpone the execution one year,” he implored the Shah, “and I will teach your horse to fly.” Intrigued by this, the Shah agreed.

One day thereafter, a friend asked Nasrudin if he really expected to escape death by this maneuver.

“Why not?” answered the divine Mullah. “A lot can happen in a year. There might be a revolution and a new government. There might be a foreign invasion and we’ll all be living under a new Shah. Then again, the present Shah might die of natural causes, or somebody in the palace might poison him. As you know, it is traditional for a new Shah to pardon all condemned criminals awaiting execution when he takes the throne. Besides that, during the year my captors will have many opportunities for carelessness and I will always be looking for an opportunity to escape.”

“And, finally,” Nasrudin concluded, “if the worst comes to the worst, maybe I can teach the damned horse to fly!”

by: R.A.W.

Hail Eris!