Archive for the ‘Spanish Inquisition’ Category

When Conversing With A Tree

August 19, 2005

When conversing with a tree it is important to keep certain facts in mind . . . Most importantly, that almost all trees loathe conversations about the weather. I have no idea why this is, but it’s true. This is an enormous bone of contention with them, and some become quite irate by the simple phrase ‘hot, ain’t it?’, so to be safe, avoid all conversations about weather. Unless you are conversing with a Birch Tree, in which case weather is all they are interested in talking about.

Also, it good to keep some taboo topics in mind, so that uncomfortable silences can be avoided; some topics include Maple Syrup, the trees from the Wizard of Oz, The Spanish Inquisition, and antique wooden furniture. In fact, it’s probably within your best interest to steer clear of any topics revolving around wood.

Lastly, the one topic you never, but EVER, want to engage a tree into conversation about is the philosophical concept of Dualism. I made the mistake once, and was so bored to tears I found myself waking up six months later, covered in moss and growing mushrooms from my face. But, hey, I always was a fun guy.