Official Illuminati Correspondence

FROM: Ramses Colossus,
Quinti-Primi Illuminati, Hermes Trismegistus Cabal

TO: Baron von Hoopla, KSC
Esoteric Order Of Eris, Kaufman Kabal

Dear BVH,

In response to your querie, may I just say that you grant us altogether too much credit. We haven’t had a single thing to do with the direction of world affairs since before WWI . . . Surely you realize who now runs North America, I’ve guessed as much from reading your log: Oprah Winfrey. She has been running everything since she took over from Phil Donahue when he achieved transendental illumination and became the Alchemical Hermaphrodite, his vocation was perfect for the invocation . . . Hermes the messenger, mixed with Aphrodite the goddess of femininity.

And, regarding Oprah’s qualifications for leadership, need I say more than:

O=800 P=80 R=100 A=1 H=5 =986 9+8+6=23 = 5

Spooky, no?

Anyhoo, World politics have become so tedious after time; we now prefer to amuse ourselves in smaller, more humorous ways, such as:

–We have coded the 64 aspects of the human psyche into the Mr. Men children’s books series. As children read through the series they will intuitively learn to realize that the human psyche is not a continuous stream of consciousness, but instead vastly different facets of a wider hallway of reality. These 64 aspects coincide, of course, with the more broad and esoteric aspects of Leary’s 8-Circuit model, the 64 hexagrams of the I-Ching, and naturally the 64 squares of the chess board.

–Hiding the 5 Elements of Nature in the television series the Facts of Life: Fire being represented by fiery Joe Polniaczek,the creative and wiley leader; Water represented by Blair Warner, the opposite of Joe, the Venus love goddess type; Air being represented by loudmouth Tootie Ramsey, the gossip; Earth being represented, naturally by Natalie Green, the pragmatic, down to earth smartass. The Fifth Quint-Essence is represented by Mrs. Edna Garrett who brings all the 4 qualities of the girls into logical union. She is the final outcome.

–Another project -which has been transpiring over the past three decades- has been the publishing of books completely blank. It began slowly at first, with blank books on accounting and quilting, but in the last two decades we have moved on to works of literature; James Joyce’s Ulysses has been printed blank since 1995, and Thomas Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow has been printed blank since 1982 – nobody has noticed yet. We had several plans set up for when books were returned angrily by the public demanding explanation, but up until the present time has never become an issue. Other blank books are The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood; Beautiful Losers, by Leonard Cohen; The Golden Bough, by Sir James George Frazer and Star: A Novel, by Pamela Anderson.

Another minor ongoing project (strictly my own) has been the development of the Simpson sisters, Jessica and Ashlee. It’s been an amusing ride, since in the beginning Jessica was intended as a straight-out clone of the formerly wildly popular Britney Spears, but has since eclipsed Brit, and is now a fully functional Illuminati puppet. That’s not the interesting part, though, since most celebrities are Illuminati puppets . . . the truly fantastic part is that in the last few months I have been slowly turning the two sisters into one person. If they seem confused by the questions about their plastic surgery in the media recently, there is a perfectly good explanation: THEY DON’T KNOW ABOUT IT! Stay tuned, it’s only going to get better . . . wait until they release the same single on the same day!

Anyway, I’ve blabbed on to you enough . . . tell me, do you still have that wonderful Mayor Mel you set up as leader in Hogtown? I can’t believe people actually bought him as a serious candidate, let alone actual winner – that almost beats old “W” down here . . . Keep Laughing!

-Ramses

For the “full” Hoopla! visit here.

Bloomsday

…the sun shines for you he said the day we were lying among the rhododendrons on Howth head in the grey tweed suit and his straw hat the day I got him to propose to me yes first I gave him the bit of seedcake out of my mouth and it was leapyear like now yes 16 years ago my God after that long kiss I near lost my breath yes he said I was a flower of the mountain yes so we are flowers all a womans body yes that was one true thing he said in his life and the sun shines for you today yes that was why I liked him because I saw he understood or felt what a woman is and I knew I could always get round him and I gave him all the pleasure I could leading him on till he asked me to say yes and I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the sea and the sky I was thinking of so many things he didnt know of Mulvey and Mr Stanhope and Hester and father and old captain Groves and the sailors playing all birds fly and I say stoop and washing up dishes they called it on the pier and the sentry in front of the governors house with the thing round his white helmet poor devil half roasted and the Spanish girls laughing in their shawls and their tall combs and the auctions in the morning the Greeks and the jews and the Arabs and the devil knows who else from all the ends of Europe and Duke street and the fowl market all clucking outside Larby Sharans and the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the vague fellows in the cloaks asleep in the shade on the steps and the big wheels of the carts of the bulls and the old castle thousands of years old yes and those handsome Moors all in white and turbans like kings asking you to sit down in their little bit of a shop and Ronda with the old windows of the posadas glancing eyes a lattice hid for her lover to kiss the iron and the wineshops half open at night and the castanets and the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about serene with his lamp and O that awful deepdown torrent O and the sea the sea crimson sometimes like fire and the glorious sunsets and the figtrees in the Alameda gardens yes and all the queer little streets and pink and blue and yellow houses and the rosegardens and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.

-excerpt from “Ulysses” by James Joyce

“mr leopold bloom, the kidney, and pussens” by Baron von Hoopla

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Bloom’s Eggs

In all the essays and dissertations I have read about James Joyce’s “Ulysses” the scholars argue over the reason Leopold Bloom demands his wife Molly bring him his breakfast the following morning, at the very end of the novel, but none seem to stop to wonder whether he actually did demand the breakfast in question at all.

Despite what we have learned about the notions of post-modern literature since “Ulysses” was written over seventy years ago many people seem to cling to the concept of ‘objective truth’, and expect an omniscient narrator to tell them what ‘really’ happened. “Ulysses” is not that kind of novel. Joyce won’t allow us to be so lazy in our reading. Each chapter has its own voice, or viewpoint, and often the different viewpoints contradict each other giving us not a picture of what happened, but of the what may have happened. Each viewpoint only sees occurrences from its own perspective, and none knows what the other viewpoints are fully, as it is for each of us in life. With this in mind, it is rather foolish to take anything stated in only one chapter at face value. Until fairly recently it was widely believed by Joyce scholars that Molly’s rampant promiscuity was a fact, as was Bloom’s jewish ancestry; but now many people believe that Molly may have only had one partner other than Bloom after marriage, and Bloom’s ethnicity is even more suspect. It doesn’t pay to believe what you read completely.

In “Ulysses” Stephen Dedalus argues that is our duty to treat literature as detective work, and that only by paying extremely close attention to the tiny details will the intended story begin to reveal itself, yet many scholars seem to ignore this and treat the surface layer as the story itself.

Are we really to believe that the scientific interviewing narrator of the ‘Ithaca’ chapter somehow forgot to mention this request for breakfast, despite the maniacally close attention to detail it pays to every other mundane occurrence of the day? Highly unlikely.

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5 Things I Am Sick Of Hearing

1) You can see the Great Wall Of China from space

2) You have to be cruel to be kind

3) But, with the windchill factor it’s actually X

4) Joyce’s Ulysses is about the styles and satires

5) “ASAP” as if it’s a word

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Is Comedy More Realistic Than Drama?

This is a question which isn’t asked very often. I’m sure you’re asking yourself ‘what could possibly bring him to this conclusion?’ well, I have an answer for you.

In a word? Defecation.

Defecation is a large part of daily life, even if most of us would prefer to imagine it isn’t. In fact there are those of us who would prefer to pretend it doesn’t even occur. These people make the majorities of the dramas we see today.

In Ulysses James Joyce portrayed a man who urinated and defecated as any normal person would, in what was possibly the first truly realistic novel. The lesson, however, was not learned by the rest of the entertainment industry. It would still be at least thirty years until even a fart was heard on a movie screen, let alone any actual movements of bowels.

Today, defecation is still very taboo in films, unless it is a comedy. So, in this way, comedy is more realistic than the average drama. However, it should be noted that the only type of defecation allowable even in comedies is of the ‘explosive diarrhea’ type.

Without further adieu: Hail Eris.

For the “full” Hoopla! visit here.

Bloomsday!

Today is June 16th, which is celebrated in many countries as Bloomsday, after James Joyce’s Ulysses. Happy Bloomsday, and Hail Eris!

For the “full” Hoopla! visit here.