Archive for the ‘Discordian Holidays’ Category

Day Of The Sacred Jelly Bean

April 21, 2007

Wrath, Gummo:6, 6006 YD

It was on this date in 1857 that Fudgio Montobono, while crawling through the American desert in the southwest, dying slowly of hunger and dehydration, came upon the Sacred Speaking Jelly Bean Of Our Lady. He was crawling over a group of small cacti, and cursing his laziness as needles and spikes ravaged his stomach and chest when he saw a brilliant golden bean laying in the arid dust. The sunlight glittered off the brilliant surface of the Jelly Bean.

Fudgio was momentarily stunned, and simply stared at the bean.

A drop of precious saliva dripped from his tongue (which was lolling out of his cracked and parched lips) onto the dirt, and dissapeared after a fraction of a second.

Fudgio snapped out of his stupour and snatched up the jelly bean, and was about to gobble it down when it addressed him: wait! wait, good fudgio – son of fucked boy, he who used the planet as a yoyo, do not swallow me down, for i bring you news from the goddess . . .

“News from -ack- news from wh-eackk- sorry. Sorry, I haven’t spok-ack ack ack- much in the last few weeks. Which goddess is this?”

The jelly bean glittered brilliantly and spoke again, seeming to vibrate between his fingers as it did: she what done it all, the beginner of all, the ender of all, the grooves in the vinyl, Eris called Strife, goddess of discord kaos and confusion . . .

“Oh.” said Fudgio. “Well. -Ick- what is her news?”

The jelly bean vibrated once more, and spoke: the goddess has sent me to tell you that there is a regular jellybean fifty feet to your right . . . a regular succulent jelly bean created by man and meant for his satisfaction . . . enjoy it, fudgio, it is your and you deserve it . . .

Fudgio stared down at the golden jellybean. He looked off to his right, but saw nothing. He looked back down at the jelly bean between his fingers, then popped it into his mouth. Then, he stood shakily, and walked fifty feet to his right, where he found a purple jelly bean, and beside that a small trickling spring of water surrounded by grass. Fudgio bent, picked up the purple jelly bean, and popped it into his mouth. He swallowed some water he had cupped in his hand, and smiled at the sky. Water was good, and a jelly bean was good. But two jelly beans were better.

* * * * *

On this same day in the year 5976 Dharma Jam was born into the world, the same world which Fudgio Montobono had used as a yoyo so long before. Dharma Jam has been blessed with the voice and vision of the Sacred Jelly Bean of Fudgio, and she is deemed Keeper of the Sacred Jelly Bean.

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St.Gummo Day

April 20, 2007

Gluttony, Gummo:5, 6006 YD

On this Fifth day of the month of Gummo, we again celebrate the life and legacy of St.Gummo Marx.

Milton Marx, known in entertainment (and esoteric circles) as Gummo, was one of the (in)famous Marx Brothers. Born in New York City, he initially worked with his brothers on the vaudeville circuit, but left acting when he was drafted into the army during the Great War. Gummo had been leaning more and more away from vaudeville and more and more toward esoteric magic, especially Hermetic Kaballism mixed with Dada, and the sigil system of Austin Osman Spare. He found the war to be materialistic counterpoint to the philosophical ideas of magick. It was there that he applied these practices in a practical sense for the one and only time, orchestrating the World War 1 “Battlfield Angel” visions. The visions were impressive, but failed to get him out of the horror of the war.

After leaving the army, Gummo began to make ceremonial cloaks. This proved not as lucrative as he had suspected, so he later he joined with his brother Zeppo Marx operating a theatrical agency. After that collaboration ended, Gummo represented his brother Groucho Marx and worked on the television show “The Life of Riley”, which he helped develop. He also represented other onscreen talent and a number of writers.

Gummo was given his nickname because he had a tendency to be sneaky backstage, and creep up on others without them knowing (like a gumshoe). Another explanation cited by biographers and family members is that Milton, being the sickliest of the brothers, often wore rubber overshoes, also called “gumshoes,” to protect himself from taking sick in inclement weather. Yet another explanation for his name is that he took the name of a little-known Babylonian God of mischief. Three of his brothers (Groucho, Chico, and Harpo) were given their nicknames during a card game at the Orpheum Theatre in Galesburg, Illinois, and the names stuck for their entire lives, his nickname, on the other hand, seems to have come from nowhere.

Gummo died on The Day of the Sacred Jellybean, by the Gregorian calendar, April 21, 1977, in Palm Springs, California. His death was not reported to Groucho, who by that time had become so ill and weak that it was thought the news would be of further detriment to his health.

Hail Eris – All Hail St.Gummo!

Elephant Day

April 11, 2007

Lust, Groucho:69, 6006 YD

Joseph Merrick, the Elephant Man, died in his sleep -supposedly of suffocation- at the age of 33 on this date, in 1890. By odd “coincidence”, the Los Angeles Examiner of April 11th 1955 reported that two dead elephants had been washed shore near Wellington, New Zealand.

None had been reported missing and the nearest land was 1,200 miles away.

The Feast Of St. Florence

April 10, 2007

Pride, Groucho:67, 6006 YD

St.Florence Foster Jenkins was born on this date in 1868 CE, and was an American soprano who became famous for her complete lack of singing ability. She became tremendously popular in her unconventional way: her audiences apparently loved her for the amusement she provided rather than her musical ability. Jenkins was firmly convinced of her greatness, comparing herself favourably to the renowned sopranos Frieda Hempel and Luisa Tetrazzini, and dismissed the laughter which often came from the audience during her performances as coming from her rivals consumed by “professional jealousy”.

Jenkins restricted her rare performances to a few favorite venues, and her annual recital at the Ritz-Carlton ballroom in New York City. Attendance of her recitals was always limited to her loyal clubwomen and a select few others – she handled distribution of the coveted tickets herself.

After a taxicab crash in 1943 she found she could sing “a higher F than ever before.” Instead of a lawsuit against the taxicab company, she sent the driver a box of expensive cigars.

At the age of 76, Jenkins finally yielded to public demand and performed at Carnegie Hall on October 25, 1944. So anticipated was the performance that tickets for the event sold out weeks in advance. Jenkins died a month later.

There have been claims that Jenkins’s entire 32-year career was an elaborate joke on the public, which seems to be in contradiction with another claim that her death after the Carnegie Hall performance was a result of derision by her critics. However, there is little evidence for either claim. All indications are that Florence Foster Jenkins died with the same happy, confident sense of fulfillment that pervaded her entire artistic life.

Chicken Dance

March 10, 2007

Wrath, Groucho:37, 6006 YD

It being “Chicken Head Day”, I thought it was suitable to post the collection of Arrested Development “Chicken Dances”.

Day Of The Bearded Ladies

February 21, 2007

Greed, Groucho:19, 6006 YD

The Nineteenth of Groucho is the birthdate of two separate bearded ladies, and is thus an extremely holy day. First, this day is the birthdate of Paula the Bearded Lady, who prayed to the Goddess for a beard to discourage the attentions of a young man, who could speak only of his carriage, and how many horses pulled it: her prayers were promptly answered, and a fine robust goatee sprouted from her chin, giving her a sudden taste for jazz music.

St Wilgefortis, a completely fictional saint, and therefor completely glorious in the eyes of the Goddess, was the daughter of the equally fictional King of Portugal, a compltely fictional country still believed in by many fools today. The King wished her to marry the King of Sicily, a semi-fictional island off the coast of Italy, once inhabited by giant Cyclopses. Wilgefortis had taken a vow of virginity, and so prayed for a beard to turn off her suitor. Her prayer was also granted by the Goddess, and she was then crucified by her father.

It is prudent at this point to remind people that praying to the Goddess is an unwise move in any situation.

The Feast Of St.Babs

February 14, 2007

Lust, Groucho:13, 6006 YD

The Thirteenth Day of the month of Groucho is when we pause to celebrate the life of St.Babs, the patron saint of the Nocturnal Weenie.

If you have ever been awakened to a weiner being left underneath your pillow, know that you have been visited by St.Babs.

St.Groucho Day

February 6, 2007

Greed, Groucho:5, 6006 YD

On this Fifth day of the month of Groucho, we again celebrate the life and legacy of St.Groucho Marx.

The middle brother of the five Marx Brothers, St.Groucho was originally born “Orange” Julius Henry Marx, but, like his other brothers, named himself after a month of the Discordian calendar his uncle Al Shean (of noted vaudeville act “Gallagher and Shean”) introduced the five boys to at an early age. It was at this point that Julius adopted the earlier nickname of “Orange” due to his strange devotion to the goddess, and his considering the modern “Orange” fruit to be a more likely representation of the ‘golden apple’ of legend.

Early on in his career St.Groucho adopted an ethnic German accent for his on-stage character, but once friction between his Discordian Cabal and the Bavarian Illuminati erupted he abandoned the accent and adopted the fast-talking wise guy character he would make later make famous, basing the characterization on a friend of his Uncle Al’s named Coleslaw, the same man Warner Brothers later based the character of Bugs Bunny on.

St.Groucho’s son, Arthur, published a brief account of an incident when Arthur was a child: The family was going through airport customs, and while filling out a form, St.Groucho listed his name as “Julius Henry Marx” and his occupation as “smuggler.” Needless to say, chaos ensued.

By the Gregorian calendar he was born on the 2nd day of October 1890, and died on the 19th day of August 1977.

Hail Eris – All Hail St.Groucho

Feast Of St.Bob

January 18, 2007

Envy, Chico:59, 6006 YD

This being the date of birth of the revered Discordian saint, St. Bob the Irreverent, we take today to celebrate his life, death and zeal for guerilla ontology – go out and argue about E-Prime with a cabbage!

Hail Eris!

Hail St.Bob!

Happy 60th Birthday, St.Patti

January 13, 2007

Wrath, Chico:54, 6006 YD